Saturday, December 31, 2005

My first date fuck--and I squirted!!!

Alpha and I went out tonight to hear music. We'd met online, and after a week of emails and phone calls decided to first have coffee and then have dinner and go out to hear music, kinda a week of dating in one day.
Of course, we ended up at my place, making out on the couch.
Alpha is clearly a nipple fetishist, so he had an amazing time kissing and licking my big nipples and rolling them around in his fingers. By the time he had my shirt off and his hand down my pants, I'd decided I was going to sleep with him, and once I got his shirt off, I suggested we move to the bedroom.
Naked on the bed, pressing skin to skin, we caressed and kissed one another.
His cock is long and fat, something I've misssed, and he really knows g-spot anatomy--he put his fingers inside me and I basically went nuts with pleasure.
During my insanity, I came so hard I massively squirted all over the bed--there is a tremendous wet spot there now!!!
This is only big squirt #2 in my slut career, so I was impressed.
Soon I was sucking Alpha's nice thick cock and he was moaning as I took it down my throat.
I kissed it and licked it and then we put a condom on it and we fucked--first with me on top, then doggy style, then from behind where the woman lies down on her stomach and the guy jams it between her legs and into her pussy--But as he got a little soft, Alpha tried anal, and I could tell it would hurt too much with no warm up so I said not now and ended up giving him a hand job.
And did I mention I came 120 times, tho I was disappointed he didn't come inside me, condom or not (I mean having the guy come usually makes me come).
We kissed and smiled and he just left...This is only the third guy I have had sexual intercourse with since I became single 10 months ago--and it felt great!!!
Off to bed now--this little squirter needs her rest.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Sexual plans 2006

I haven't made much progress yet in expanding my sex life, though I have certainly tried to lay the ground work. However, the couples I've met online who are looking for a woman for a threesome seem either too hardened, or like one or the other is driving the process too hard--so the threesome thing hasn't moved along.
As for good old plain sex, something I can always use more of, I have met someone but one thing or another has come up that's led to us posting our meetings...maybe some progress there next week. And while there are lots of prospects, I don't have time to check them out --and maintain the relationships I have (and work, etc.)
As for group sex, bi-sexual sex, group BDSM play, etc....I am going to have to work my way up to all those...the nice thing about being single is there is no rush.
Some sexual hopes for 2006:

  • Become more of an ethical slut--read the book now and like it.
  • Expand into greater polyamorous perversity and sex in the moment--with people I know and trust.
  • Continue to build my bond with Z, but experiment with others with BDSM-tinged play without breaking our agreement that he--and only he--Master me.
  • Have a hot affair with a really great woman--or two.
  • Check out some play parties and group sex scenes--preferably with friends.

Anything else you all think I should be considering?

Monday, December 26, 2005


"I love to control you," Z says. "When I put my hands inside you and make you so excited, when I feel the waves of your orgasms build, I know that I control you, that I play you like an instrument.
For me that is the most exciting thing, better even than fucking--it's fucking with our minds."
We are lying in bed, talking after making love, as we often do. Z is explaining his dominance to me, what feels best to him--For me, who was never submissive before Z, this is all of keen interest.
"I've slept with a lot of woman and had some great sexual experiences," Z says. "K had big nipples and loved to have them tortured; L had a body very much like yours and always wanted to be spanked. But you're the first person who is both so close to my physical idea and so amazingly responsive--your body responds to me like no one I have ever experienced."
"I have no way of knowing," I say, "How much that is between you and I and how much is D/s--I wonder what would have happened if I'd been with another Dominant, someone else? Somehow, I don't see myself doing a good job as a conventional slave."
"Yes, I wanted someone where I could be dominant in the bedroom, and equal in all other ways," Z replies. "You are the perfect sub in bed, you are always open to me, always there--but my equal otherwise."
We continue to talk, discussing that favorite topic of couples everywhere--the miracle of meeting and joining together, the delight and surprise of having found one another, the deep pleasure we feel.
Only this time, it is different than before(when I was married, or back in the dark ages, before that:

  • I love a man with whom I practice S&M
  • A man who is Dominant while I am sub
  • A man with health problems that mean fucking often requires pills but who gives me more--and better--orgasms than I have ever had
  • I don't plan to be faithful--while I love him, I do not intend to be exclusive with him (tho he will be the only real Dom)
  • I have lots more sexual exploration to do
  • We're not going to live together anytime soon
  • I have no idea what I want the future to bring--and that's alright
And yes, in many ways, he is my Master, even though I thought I'd NEVER say that.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Reunion with Z

Z and I are together after almost a week apart.
He kisses and bites my breasts, pulling the nipples taut,
then turns me over and spanks me, hard, until my bottom is rosy red,
then puts a finger inside my ass, fucking it till I want to come.
Later, he puts his fingers inside me and makes my g-spot swell until I scream,
but it makes him so excited I have to kneel down and suck his cock.
Z uses my mouth like a pussy, thrusting in and out, hard, until I want him to fuck me so badly I am begging.
As he moves inside me, Z slaps my face, heavy blows to the cheek that totally turn me on, and then he hold my throat and controls me.
Soon, he is jerking off against my breasts, coming between my tits and rubbing the come on my cheek.
"I am your master,"he says. "I own you, I control you."
"Yes, you do, " I say, "And I love being your submissive slut."

Owned and branded 24/7

Found another BDSM/submissive blog,by Slave--or, she found me. I've added her to my blog list...hello, sister.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Welcome, Rose

Jefferson has a new sub..and she's blogging.
Welcome, Rose!
Jefferson,well done!

Friday, December 16, 2005

Lovers and then some

Last night, after we made love, Z and I lay in bed and talked.
Among other things, we talked about my other sexual partners and how he felt about that.
The short version would be while it's not what Z would choose for me, he understands how I feel
and what's motivating me (curiousity, lust, enjoyment) and he accepts it.
I think this is incredibly generous.
I also feel relieved he doesn't think I'm shopping to replace him (I am not).
And that he knows I am not going to have the kind of D/s relationship with anyone else I have with him.


We all have our fetishes.
My current fixation is the hood, which I don't have yet, and R's cock, which I do.
Z's current fixation is my breasts, or what he calls "your huge, hot tits."
What Z is really into is jamming his cock down my throat till I gag and my saliva is
all thick and ropy and then having me lube up his cock with the gluey strands and bend over and rub my breasts against his cock so he can fuck my tits.
Lately, he's come this way several times, and his only regret is that more of his come seems to
end up on him(which means I have to daintily lick it off) than on my breasts, where he would
like to see it displayed.
The cool thing here is that Z gets so turned on I get turned on too, so last night I was so into all this I was practically coming myself.
(There's nothing more gratifying than knowing your partner thinks you're the best sex he's ever had...and he's got the range of experience to have that opinion count.)

Thursday, December 15, 2005


I know I have an oral fetish of the worst kind.
Sucking Z's cock while he touches my g-spot has a way of driving me insane.
I'm able to relax my throat in a way that lets him go all the way to the back,
where I can clench my throat muscles around the tip
and make him nuts.
So I decided that I wanted a nice hood for Xmas. A heavy spandex hood with the mouth carved out, one that I can wear while Z fucks my face--and my throat--with his cock.
One that look hot with puffy lips and red lipstick, both of wich can be arranged.
I want my eyes covered, lips bare, sucking cock with red lips in that big black hood.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Hot tub tantric kundalini

D and I are in his hot tub, under the stars.
We're naked, and the warm water is as gentle as a kiss.
The stars shine above us, framing the crescent moon.
I am floating, D turns me this way and that.
His hands are a gift, the way he holds me.
Later, in the water, we do tantric breathing.
Panting together, we stare into one another's eyes,
breathing and floating in the water.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


My mouth is on your cock, my face against your thighs on the bed
as you lie sideways and fuck my face,
using my mouth like a pussy. warm and eager to swallow your skin.
You thrust into me, hot and wet,
over and over, your skin like silk against my teeth,
your cock full against the back of my throat.
I kiss you
I lick you
You stuff yourself into me
until I choke
until I feel your body explode
and I have you still once again
--this time, under my control.

Threesomes: An all true story

So I went and had coffee today with a man I met online who wants to have a threesome with his wife...they had one a few weeks ago with a female friend and thought it went quite well; the point of our meeting was to check one another out and get to know each other better.
Here's the story Pine(what I am going to call him) told me:
He and his wife have been married over 30 years. His wife was always the quiet, shy type--until she went on a two week vacation to visit a friend in the Midwest this summer-- and something happened.
Apple (what I am going to call her)--came back and told Pine she wanted to see other men; he said okay, she put an ad up on the Internet and started meeting men: spankos, dominants, NSA cocksters, etc...4 or 5 a week.
"It might have bothered me," Pine said, "But she was so happy."
Finally, Apple told Pine he should have other friends, too.
So Pine hooked up with a poly friend of his, Banana (okay, a silly name) and they started doing it one in a while.
Meanwhile, Apple's been collared by one of the doms she's serving (there are two!), and is arranging a threesome with two strange men--and is interested in having another threesome with Pine and a woman--which is where I came into the picture.
So Pine and I have coffee, he tells me this story, and I say to him, "So, what do you want?"
And Pine looks at me with his soft blue eyes, cornflower blue as a bluebonnet in Kansas, and says "I don't know!"

I left it loose with Pine, because while he was a lovely, lovely man, I could see he truly did not know what he wanted...and was trying to keep up with his very busy, active wife--a situation too strange to get in the middle of (as in the babe sounds like a playa.)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


So I have been sleeping with G; he says I am great in bed and we are having a nice time.
But when he is inside me, I think of Z--of Z's hand on my throat, his throaty passion,
the way he touches me like no one else does, how in tune we are.
As inexperienced as I have been, this is the first time sleeping with one man
has shown me the depth of feeling I have with another.
I can understand how there is a delicious peversity in affirming that unique love with every new man I with G reminds me that Z is special...but that G is nice, too.

The Collar

"The collar teaches me hunger: not for what I want, but for all you want of me."
--from pussy talk, a marvelous post therein

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Slutting it up

Have been talking to a man who recently started engaging in threesomes with his wife, with the idea we might meet and....
Have also made contact with a man who is into swinging and wants someone to go to parties with him--his take on how the bisexual women drive the whole thing is interesting--and probably not true.
And then there's another guy who sounds interesting--two, actually--thing is, I don't have time to handle all this opportunitie at what feels like an appropriate pace, not with work and Z and my friend G coming to town and meeting the polyamorist...
Whew! I need to be better at managing timing on all these possibilities...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Breath play

Z and I are in bed. I've been away, and now I am back.
We cuddle and kiss and he touches the curves of my thighs, my hips,
my small waist and round bottom, my curvy breasts.

We kiss.
We kiss like two people who are drowning and want to float away entwined,
Like two people starving who want to lick up all the wetness,
Like ghosts made dense by the way our warm skins collide.

Z puts his fingers inside me.
I suck his cock till I choke, till he's thrusting deep at the back of my throat
and I'm so hot I want him to fuck me right then,
to come deep inside.

Z is in front of me, my legs pushed up and back, his cock stabbing into my cunt.
I tighten around him and it feels so good
feels so good as he tightens his hands around my throat
presses his hands down on my breasts,
presses his weight against my neck,
and comes hard, inside me
as I push his arms away and breathe
and scream
and breathe.

Later, much later, we cuddle and talk.
"I love to control you,"say Z. "I love the feeling of my hands on your neck.
How submissive you are. How you will do anything I ask."

"I only want to please,"I murmur as I curl against him,
thinking, for the 10,000 time, how amazing it seems that we could meet--
two people so adept at giving one another what they want.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Seeing the other guy(s)--and Z

Friday I am meeting the new possible guy for a drink.
Very curious about him..we've talked on the phone a good bit and he seems very nice...we sound compatible.
And my out of state friend is coming to town..we'll spend time together--So the next ten days could include (will include) sex with people other than Z...but sex with Z, as well, of course.
My last playtime with Z was so tremendous, I haven't posted about all the things we did, but it was great--he turns me on so much and we can be so in sync.
On the other hand, after all those years with one person, I just can't let myself be exclusive right now--I am debating how direct to be with Z about these other men...I think he prefers a don't ask, don't tell sort of scenario and I am the more direct sort--but I don't want to hurt him--or lie. (I won't lie.)

Thinking about adventures

Do I want to try out group sex?
I do.
But I have no idea how to get started.
I'm thinking I need a partner, someone I trust, to be there.
Anyone have any advice?

Monday, November 28, 2005

Another squirter is born

Chelsea Girl is now squirting too--only her post is so much funner.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Shocking but true--a 10 (sex) things meme

Via figleaf from Orange at Orange Tangerine: 10 questions with (my) answers:

  • I lost my virginity in the maid's room at a suburban party in high school. My friend's mother found the used condom in the waste basket and went crazy--but she didn't know it was me.
  • In HS, I got drunk one night and decided to give my close friend L(female) an orgasm--since she never had one. After I went down on her (unsuccessfully) I spent the rest of the night puking in the toilet bowl.
  • I had a threesome with my best friend and a guy I was dating in college, but she and I barely touched--he made love to us both.
  • I was faithful to my soon to be ex husband for 31 years...since I was 20. I slept with about 6 guys before him.
  • I have been in love with two gay/bisexual men; I dated one of the for over a year (pre X-husband).
  • I have had sexual experiences with 5 guys since my X and I split in 2005, but have had intercourse with only two of them, and have only had sex with two of them more than twice (guess which two)?
  • I have never slept with anyone who is not white, but I think East Indian men look amazingly hot.
  • I've never had a real relationship with a woman, but as a non-active bisexual, I'd like to.
  • My first full S&M/BDSM experience was this year and my primary relationship now is with a dominant(as everyone who reads this blog can see.)
  • I have never had group sex, but am curious about it.
And you?

Saturday, November 26, 2005


After what seemed like hours of sex, including a g-spot vibrator strapped inside me as we did all sort of things with rope, cuffs, clamps, flogger and more, Z and I took all the toys out, I came atride him, and we screwed. After all the stimulation, it felt so good to have him inside me, and as my pussy clamped down around him, I could feel my orgasm build in waves. Just before Z came, and then as Z came, I came as well, feeling incredibly excited--only this time, I squirted, major--first time ever for real.
Afterwards, Z described what it felt like for him to feel me come, the curtain of wetness and release. And then we looked at this HUGE wet spot on the bedsread..far more than just a little come.
It was intense....and fun.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

"in a few hours I am going over to R's hour so he can hurt me"

So I am going over to Z's house in a few hours so we can play before Thanksgiving dinner with his family.
To put it another way, in a few hours I am going over to Z's hour so he can hurt me.
And we both can get off from his doing that.
I feel a little scared..while Z would never really hurt me...I see how a more hardcore dynamic is entering our sex life.
I like pain, and I like D/s, and I trust Z, so I am willing to do--or talking about someday doing-- all sorts of things that--when practiced by other people--sound too edgy (fisting, candle wax, figging, throat fucking and gagging, breath play, for example).
But is there a line with Z I shouldn't let myself cross?
And how would I know till I got there?

Fingered by Z

Last night Z was here. We were on the couch, and he put his hand inside my pants, reached for my pussy, and stroked his way inside. As he touched and fingered me, he watched my face, gauging response. With his other hand, he stroked my breasts and held my throat.
As Z touched me, I could feel myself opening to him, wider and wider, and as he rubbed my g-spot, I moved my hips. It felt so good.
More and more of his hand reached up inside, tugging, caressing, rubbing, teasing, but I knew (from past experience) there was no way he was going to fuck me--No, he was going to enjoy driving me crazy, demonstrating his control and ability to make me come multiple times.
After he'd made me sufficently (but not completely) insane, he told me to get on the couch and pull down my pants.
I bent over and first he inserted the knobbed Pyrex butt plug, then he proceeded to give me a spanking harder than I've had in weeks--not only on my ass, but on my hips, my inner thighs, my lower back, and my pussy. It hurt! As Z spanked me with one hand, he fingered me with the other, then fucked my ass with the plug (I was so turned on, this was easy).
Finally, he put fingers from both his hands inside me--one set hooked on my g-spot, the other fucking my pussy and rubbing against the (still inserted) plug from inside.
I must have come 10 times,but when I asked if I could suck his cock, he said no.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Z and I are asleep in bed; I'm naked

It's Sunday morning Z and I are asleep in bed; I'm naked and my hips curve against him as I cuddle the pillow. z turns and reaches for me,
His hands caresses my breasts, touch the tips and trace the full roundness of each globe.
Growling, Z pulls me closer, tight against him, till I am tucked right against his chest.
Gentlely, he turns me over and strokes me like a cat, long, gentle caresses down my sides and along my arms, gentle tugs and touches at my neck, my throat.
"Turn over" he says, pushing my legs apart so his hand can stroke my pussy.
"Open your legs," he says, his hand teasing the lips, wiggling its teasing way inside,
playing till I move my hips and arch against him, it feels so good.
"You little slut, you always want to come, don't you?" he says, and puts two fingers into a space that is now hot and getting wet, a space where I hold him as he holds me, his other hand holding my breasts.
Z works me till I come, and then till I come again. He watches closely as I sigh and moan and move--hard--against his hand.
"You belong to me, I control you," he says, and I agree because his touching me feels so good, because I am so completely turned on by both what he is doing and the idea of pleasing this man.
"Yes, yes," I sob, "Ohhhh, that feels so good!" and when he tells me to come for him, that he wants me to feel me come, I let myself go as much as I possible can and have my own small explosions under his hand, again and again and again.
Z take fingers out and puts then in my mouth.
Obediently, I lick them clean.
He kisses me deeply, puts his arms around me and says " I love to make you come. It gives me such pleasure to feel your body explode in warm ripples and waves."
"You give me such happiness," I say, and curl against him, thinking of the other things I hope we will do later in the day.

Thinking about: Group Sex

I've always said that I am not into sharing, but lately I have been thinking about threesomes and foursomes and more...and I realized that part of my shyness is that I have almost no experience having sex in front of other people--or with more than one person at the same time.
Wanting to experience that makes me want to find a way to try it--but it also makes me feel shy.
I would imagine that having sex with group can vary depending on whether you know them all well or whether the whole point is to have anonymous sex. For me, I think I'd be more interested in acting out with some people I knew--or could know--the anonymous stuff is stimulating, but something I can see keeping more as a fantasy than a reality.
Right now, my free time is so filled with seeing Z--and G is coming to visit in December--I don't know that I have the means to act on these impulses, but I am thinking about would be interesting to meet someone who was into more of a sharing scene and experiment with them a bit...and have it be great, of course!

(Note: This concept doesn't have any significant BDSM in it--goal here would be sensuality and fun.)

Thursday, November 10, 2005

A fantasy: this is what we love

You collar me and blindfold my eyes.
Later, there may be a silken gag.
I feel you tie my hands and push me into the bed and I wince as you clamp my nipples tight.
As you push me down, I feel your hands caress me,
the pink flesh growing red.
You bend, and your tongue flicks the pearl of my clit
and I wish you could swallow me, whole.
Your mouth is on me and your tongue, inside.
As I bend toward you, arching with pleasure,
you lube my ass and insert the plug.
The pain makes me gasp
but when you put two fingers inside me, hot and wet,
I want more of your hand, the hand squeezing me, probing as it caresses,
making me want you to fill me, to possess me some more.
Soon there is a vibrator and a gag,
and then you are spanking my ass, rubbing the skin to savor the red,
then hitting the riding crop against my skin.
By the time you put your cock inside me
I am ready to cry
ready to scream with the pleasure of having you fill me
of feeling your slick wetness against my hot skin
Of knowing I belong to you
and this is what we love.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

A new life

This is probably a good moment to stop and remember that I started this blog as a place to write about sex and sexuality as I became newly single. Between the first post and now, I've not only become a more sexually expressive and confident person, I've become a kinkier and more liberal one--As much as I'm committed to my relationship with Z, I'm not monogamous to him, he knows that (and accepts it), and I'm much more curious that I had been in the past--more open to new ideas, and things (literally). I've also met many great people in the blogosphere who have been sources of friendship and inspiration--and that's really mattered.

On the couch this morning

After I sucked his cock, and he stood over me and fucked my face till he came, Z put his hands inside me and I got so excited I begged hin to fist me.
I begged.

Will I ever say Master to Z?

"I belong to you."
"You own me."
"I want you to possess me."
I will do whatever you want."
"I am your slut."
In the heat of passion it's easy to feel--and say--these things to Z. He says I am a good submissive because I never say no, and I do everything he wants--but we both know that I am not submissive in the most usual sense and that someone who wanted to dominate and control a woman all the time would not like to be with me. We were in bed last week, and Z was describing how his past experiences with other subs--especially the non-professional ones--were different. Apparently, some of the women were into degredation (one wanted him to piss on her), a few had slave fantasies, and more then one called him Master--(or Sir--which he hated).
Then there's me, a confident woman with an emerging submissive streak, looking for a man where D/s can be a big part of our power exchange and dynamic--sometimes I feel like Kate in The Taming of the Shrew, not like some meek little subbie--and yet, in bed and in all things sexual--I love submitting to Z. Not like it--love it.
And am starting to crave it.
But I have not yet--and probably never will--call him Master--and I will never ask for him to degrade me, though I'd probably let him take things pretty far if that was what he wanted.
It's an interesting mix to think about--the ways in which he controls me--and yet, the way that he has that power only because I let him, because I give it up to him so that we can both enjoy his possessing me.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The orgasms are amazing

Z and I make love for hours. When we are done, we lie side by side and talk and cuddle, but then talking makes us aroused, and we go at it again.
We haven't seen each other for a week, and the intensity is amazing.
As Z touches me, reaching inside me to stroke the g-spot, my body opens to him and once again,
for the second time, he has four fingers inside me, almost a whole hand.
As he caresses me, I push against him, experimenting with pushing out against his hand as well as contracting in, which is what I usually do.
With Z's fingers inside me, wrapped around my skin--I feel waves and waves of sensation--an orgasm that just builds until I want to scream, until I have that smoothed out like paper feeling I like so much, the utter peacefulness of having your brains blown.
Later, Z tells me what it felt like for him:"It was like being wrapped in some sort of silk, or velvet," he says. "The feel of your soft flesh against my skin, the way your body was rhythmically pulsing, squeezing against me, I've never felt anything quite like it."
We're at the stage where we're so close, we're making all sort of discoveries.
Everything feels special and unique.
We feel lucky--I feel lucky.
And the orgasms are amazing.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Z and I are in bed, naked.
I'm wearing nipple jewelry that clamps my big nipples in a pretty way, making them plump and swollen and puffy; the clamps are on chains that go up to a metal collar.
This is Z's new gift to me, that I've just put on.
He opens his legs and pushes my head down; I know he wants me to suck him.
I crouch over him, his cock in my mouth, my hands tracing the veins on his balls, my breasts rubbing against his leg as I let him fuck my face. As his cock goes into my mouth, I suck hard on it, trying to take him deeper, to swallow him whole, to make him explode with pleasure. As he wraps his legs around my neck, hooking me close, I moan in pleasure, half-choking as I try to take him deeper into my mouth.
As he pumps harder, I get more excited until soon, we are in a rhythm of his thrusting into my mouth and my taking him deep into the back of my throat, relaxed and wet and hungry.
His hand is on the back of my neck, holding me down. I slam my mouth against his cock, over and over, hard and wet and fast, until there is nothing left but the wet red air I am breathing with him inside me, filling my mouth all the way to the back of my throat.
Somehow, this moment has become very exciting.
Feeling his taste in my mouth, feeling his balls deep in my throat, feeling his penis convulse against my tongue is intoxicating.
I love sucking cock.
And I love Z.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Freya gets me hot

From Freya's House of Dreams: " He tells me to beg, she begins to come, moaning. I keep my tongue gently fluttering over her, seeing how long I can resist his orders. Her hands are in my hair, holding gently. By contrast, the hand at my hip comes down on my ass with a hard smack and my whimper is not one of pain. He gently squeezes my clit between slippery fingers and then stops. I cry out and the entreaties..."
Read it all

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Weekend with Z, last bits

We think I squirted.
I have impressive bruises on one of my breasts, and a bruise on my butt cheek.
My pussy is a little sort, and the soft flesh around my vagina hurts from the hard spanking.
It was a wonderful weekend and I look forward to doing it all again.

Z, an evolving dynamic

The next day, Z and I make love again and lie around talking in bed.
He's been interested in D/s for about 6 years, but he's only had a few relationships where the dynamic actually played out, and I may be the first one where what we want is so compatible, so mutual.
"I used to be with a woman, and I started to realized I wanted to spank her, to slap her face and pull her hair, and there was no way I could do it that in the relationships I was having," he says. "I started to explore D/s, but I always wanted it to be with someone I loved and cared about, not with a professional, or with a woman with no self-esteem."
"I didn't know what I wanted," I say,"But I thought the power exchange would have an intensity that would be incredibly expressive--I just didn't realize how intense it would be."
"That's why I wanted it to be someone I loved," he says--"Because it's so close and powerful."
We talk more and I share some of what I've been thinking over the past 15 hours..."You know, what's changing for me is that I'm starting to crave you dominating me. I've always felt that I had the upper hand in the relationship in some ways, even as the submissive, because you're the one who's been looking for someone longer--I was married. But now I can see how my feelings might shift and I'd need you, want you to control's a little scary."
Z nods. "Yes, I'm the dominant, I own you, but because of that--you also own me."

We talk more...and he brings up my (growing) interest in pain.
His feeling: he wants to give me what I want, but more force isn't the answer. Instead, he wants to try more severe restraints.
"You're a pale-skinned red head and you can just take so much without being damaged," he says. "I want to try more control, and see if you feel things more intensely."

Lying in bed with Z, in the private world we two create, I'm wondering again at the unlikely match I have made. There is no way I could ever have predicted I truly would enjoy being submissive--to this man or to anyone--and yet Z and I have forged a deep bond, an ever-growing relationship unlike anything I've ever experienced--or imagined. The best part of it all is that it feels so right, and that I feel so good and so open, so excited, at how our dynamic is evolving.

Sex with Z, 2

Later, after we eat, we go back to bed.
This time I take off all my clothes.
Z puts the cuffs on my hand and my ankles and saps
me face down on the bed.
He blindfold my eyes, and snaps on the collar, then adds the leash.
I think he is going to play with my ass, but I have no idea what he really wants to do,
and I have no control.
Unless I need to use my safe word, I will do whatever he asks.
That's the game as we love to play it.

First, Z puts a huge, humming vibrator inside my cunt.
It's thick and noisy, like a drill,
and it presses against my g-spot.
I arch my ass up like a cat, wiggling to the sensation.
He respond by shoving it inside me and giving me some hard slaps.
Wack! Wack! He smacks my ass till it must be bright red, with some faint pink
Next he puts his fingers there and I know he is wetting me, using the lube to prepare
me for some toy that will surely follow.
A moment later he's teasing me with one of the butt plugs, maybe the big one with the thick egg
shape, or the medium one shaped like a thickening wand.
It hurts so much as he pushes it in, but though I cry out, I don't tell him to stop--I know I will like how it feels inside me, filling my ass up.

Now that my two holes are filled, Z moves closer. Without actually being able to see him, I know
he is reaching for more toys and as he reaches for my breasts, I brace myself.
Grasping the nipples between his fingers, flattening and squeezing, he rolls the tender flesh, then clamps it tight in a little rubber vise, then does the same to the other nipple.
The pain is amazing, but so localized, I tell myself I can endure it, tell myself he will do something else that will balance this new pain away.
He yanks the chain between my breast and grabs my collar, pulling me up against him.
"I own your pussy," he growls. "And your ass, and your breasts."
I nod.
"Yes, you own me, " I answer.
He pushes me down and take the vibrator out of my cunt.
He slips a vibrating egg inside, and then another, and then something else, something big and hard and hurting and...I cry out, and then I tell him to stop, whatever it is, it's too big, it's too much.
Even without my safeword, he listens and he takes the thing out, and we go on.
Soon, I am on top of him, and he is inside me, and it is as good as it always is,
so wild and exciting,and the orgasm just rips out of me, explodes, and I scream and feel him come.

Sex with Z, 1

Z and I are at his place; I'm just back from a trip. We're all over each other, kissing and touching and holding and's been too long. I barely get into the living room before Z takes off my shirt and takes his breasts in my hands, then in his mouth. It feels so good when he bits and licks my nipples, encircles my breasts with his hands, tugs at the sensitive tips, practically swallows them in his excitment.
We go into the bedroom. Clean sheets. Bag of toys. Restraints on the bed.
I take off my jeans and socks.
"Bend over," says Z.
I do, and he pushes my lace panties aside and puts his hand inside me. Those fingers drive me mad, teasing and stroking as we kiss.
"You're so wet," he says, and soon he has four fingers inside me, almost a whole hand.
It hurts, but it feels so good.
Wham! With his other hand, Z smacks my ass.
Again and again, the blows rain down, and I blush to admit how much I like the pain.
I come and come again, and soon I am at the edge of the bed, his cock in my mouth,
feeling him thrust, feeling his hand on my throat, strong and chocking for an instant.
For two hours, we make love.
I'm amazingly excited, hungry, wet.
Z is the conducter, playing my body like his instrument, driving me to an edge
that's sharp and intense--and where he is with me, as close as possible, watching closely to offer maximum pleasure from carefully meted out pain.

I learn that I like being beaten,
I like it when Z slaps me in the face.
I like wearing my collar and being pulled and told to behave.
I like feeling my ass being spanked, and the blows Z inflicts on my breasts
and neck, and even the swats on my pussy.
I discover I like the pain, like taking in when it is given by Z
who would never hurt me, never inflict
damage of any sort.

I come and come, feeling everything intensely, until I am as flat and smoothed out as a bedsheet, until my pussy aches and I can't come any more, want nothing but to curl up with Z and cuddle and talk.

Sigh. It is so good to be back.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I need men

I haven't had sex for at least two weeks.
This is a total waste!
When there was some regular sex going on between me and Z, with those occasional trysts with
G, I felt like I was achieving a nice balance.
Now, I feel one (local) guy short.
No sex is not enough sex.
I have to round out my portfolio of men here---this is just not right.

Friday, October 14, 2005

What I miss--and what is between us

The past two weeks have been way too busy and that has meant (almost) no sex.
Interestingly enough, what I think about is Z's hand on my throat.
For all the exciting things we do together, the feeling of his strong hand on my neck is what I imagine.

I also think about the part of our relationship others see--and what they don't know.
Last night, we were with some of his family, having a lovely time--
But I knew no one there had an inkling that part of what draws Z and I together was a bond we only display in private: a dominant and his willing submissive.

Monday, October 10, 2005

On being dominant

"Nothing beats the feel of a warm neck nestled in the firm grip of my hand; and this hold, this place where my hand rests like a living collar so close to the skin I can feel the beating of her heart and each drawn breath like life itself - in this place exists everything I need know about who I am. "
--D'jaevle, Blood, Sex, Crimson

Me and G

It's been two weeks since I saw G and we had our rendezvous.
He calls me a lot and sends email, looking forward to the next time we meet.
He knows my other lover is dominant and I am submissive,
but since he's known me for several years (as a friend), this dynamic is something he's trying to figure out.
'So did you two have fun last night?" he asks."I went to the movies" (with his partner).
"Yeah, we went to a film,"I say.
"And then did Z tie you up?" he asks.
I laugh. "You don't want to go there unless you really want me to tell you, right?"I say.
"Yeah, okay, you're right...but I just hope you're having fun."
"Oh, I'm having a wonderful time," I respond, knowing there is no way to explain to him what Z and I do that captures how it feels.
"Just so you don't get hurt..."he begins, and I laugh and cut him off.
"--You mean in ways that I don't want to be?"
And then I stop, because explaining it all to him is just too complicated for a phone call--and it's really none of his business, anyway.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


What Z bought for me:

  • A thin black leather collar
  • A pyrex glass butt plug
  • A blindfold with red fur inside
  • Big metal clamps joined together by a long silver chain

What I bought for myself
  • G spot vibrator
  • Big pyrex dildo
  • A blindfold with black fur inside

Saturday night with Z

First we have dinner, then we see a (wonderful) play.
We talk and talk, and then go back to his place.

Soon we are in the bedroom.
"Bend over," Z says, "Let me see your panties."
His hands stroke my cheeks, tug at the cleft, and soon his fingers are moving inside my ass,
as his other hand strokes my clit.

"Turn over," he says."Take your panties off."
His hands fill me, front and back, his fingers driving, making me gasp,
the delicious edge of pleasure and pain.

"Lie back," he says, and his hands and his mouth move against my clit,
against the teased and swollen, reddened, lips, against the flesh he promises to pull apart as his tongue makes me scream.

Z is like a wave breaking over me,
a musician with a keyboard of flesh he is determined to play
a composer who takes me, again and again, to the cliff of an orgasmic edge
before letting me rest, serene.

For a male submissive

I know what it feels like to be tied down
so I imagine you
naked and blindfolded
tied down against the bed

First, there are the cuffs, black and red for your
wrists and ankles,
the o-rings, silver, snapped in place
against the bed's restraints.

There you are, naked and exposed,
your skin dim white in the light,
your cock rose pink as it strains into the air.

Imagine me and how I use you for my pleasure.

Imagine the feel of my tongue on your skin,
the flicker of teeth against the flesh,
the pressure of my taking you whole into my mouth,
you who cannot explode.

Imagine that I tease you to bursting,
tease you to the edge of fireworks and sun
tease you until your cock is so big, so red,
so swollen and tight
I have to ride it
until I come.

Imagine what you will feel
my grip so hard
so soft and wet
you have to beg

When I give you permission
when I say yes
when I come closer and take you
over an edge

your orgasm will erupt and make you shudder
make you shiver with the thrill of release
make you know you belong to me

and that I will drain you
again and again
the pleasure making you scream.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Dominate me

Things that turn me on:

  • Z's hands in my mouth, forcing it wide
  • His hand on my neck, squeezing ever so slightly as we kiss
  • His leg hooking me close as I suck his cock
  • His teeth on my nipples, hungry and sucking
"You belong to me," he says. "I own you" and I say yes, and do everything he asks.
"You're my own little slut" he says to me, "My big-titted fuck toy" and I say yes.

I say yes to everything
Yes to saying yes
Yes to Z
Yes to a passion I did not know I had
--for domination and for pain and for this deep, intense trust.

That this all makes me so happy amazes me--
It's completely off the map of my life
And yet I am having the most wonderful time.

Our secret lives

Clayton Holiday, married bisexual blogger: "There is nothing to mark me as bold and daring, except a blog authored with a moniker unrecognizable to the immediate family. My “who gives a fuck” attitude is all show.

What this means is that I have a secret life."

I have a secret life too--or a private life I am sharing in this (secret) blog.
Friends and family know I have a *sex* blog, but have no idea what it is or where.
I've discussed some of this with Jefferson( and hope to talk a lot more) and told him how this blog
is a very real part of myself, and yet also heightened--and perhaps braver-than I am outside of my most private life.

The *secret* nature is freeing...and alluring as well.

Saturday, October 01, 2005


I want to see if I can learn how to squirt.
I have a new G-spot vibrator, have read up a bit, and plan to practice.

Dominance and control 2

As my own understanding for D/s in my relationship with Z deepens, I understand more about him as a Dominant.
Z's dream is to be in a close, loving relationship with someone who is strong, but sexually submissive, whom he can enjoy using and controlling, but who isn't going to be a doormat or overly dependent on him in the real world.
He doesn't want to have the intense bonds of D/s as a form of play or scene, or as something people do on each other, as opposed to together.

He told me a story today about a woman he met a couple of years ago. She was coming out of a marriage and had decided it was time to explore her fantasies of being submissive, tied up, whipped, hurt, etc.
She met Z online, talked to him on the phone several times, and liked him--but she didn't want a real relationship.
After a while, and some real-life meetings, she convinced Z to come over with the full regalia of clamps, whips, rope and do the deed.
They did, and while it was sexually great, Z did not feel connected to her.
They got together a couple more times, but Z was just not feeling it and by mutual agreement, they broke it off.
I found this story interesting as evidence that Z knows what he wants and has been out looking for it, as opposed to me, who had no idea what I wanted, but then had things suddenly fall into place.

Dominance and control

As my relationship with R deepens, my understanding of how I experience being submissive shifts.
On one level, there's the sexual submissive aspect: acting to please, not saying no (unless there's a strong reason), allowing yourself--participating actively--to be used by your Dom.
On another level, there's the S/M aspect--alot of D/s exists in an area where pleasure and pain mix, or some pain leads to (alot) of pleasure.
But the area where my understanding is deepening is about control.
The thing that is most exciting in my D/s relationship with R is the pleasure he takes in controlling me, and the pleasure I receive in surrendering that control to him.
When we are together in this way, R not only *owns* my body, he is in control of much of what
I feel and experience.
I've not only given myself to him to be used as he see fit, I'm allowing him to guide and shape what I feel.
Letting R dominate and control me in this way isn't only a sexual high, it's an amazingly intense and intimate experience that can be so intense I feel merged with him at times.
That bond then carries over into the rest of our relationship; I trust R in a way I could not trust my ex, thou we were married for 10,000 years.

From A to Z

I am clearly successful at becoming a secret slut: in the space of yesterday I went from Z to A without a qualm (and hope to see the Big Guy) tonight.
I probably had more orgasms (and fun) in the past 36 hours that in the past 6 months...
More on seeing Z later (hint: it was wonderful, and yes, he dominated me, as always).

For A: One night together, away from everything

You bring strawberries, whipped cream, flowers and a sandwich;

I bring four vibrators, two dildos, one blindfold and two bottles of lube.

In bed together, we are an ocean--

Two mouths kissing, hungry for love,

Two bodies clasping, hungry for touch.

You show me how I can be held through the night,

Soft and spoon-like,

I teach you how to put two fingers inside me and rub.

You ride me, and then I ride you,

I kiss you, you kiss me,

You move inside me and I am caught on your wave,

A flower exploding that blooms for both of us.

I want you to touch me again and again

I want another run at that moment

Those flowers

That mystery pleasure ride we took round and round throughout the night

Before returning to the world we know.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Sex and the future

Things I haven't done yet, but enjoy thinking about:

  • A threesome with two guys
  • A threesome with a couple
  • (Safe) sex with a stranger
  • Making love with G in the mountains (this is going to happen next week)
  • Making out with a super hot woman
  • Z getting me to squirt
  • Z collaring me and fucking me in the ass
  • Revenge sex with my ex (this will NEVER happen)
  • Hogtied by Z
  • Visiting a sex club and watching

Fantasies...part of the fun is that only some of them become real.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Spent time with some friends over the past few days who have a fairly new relationship.
My friend Z says that she and Y have sexual issues to work out, and that he's never been with anyone like her.
Talking separately with Y, it turns out he is a long-time Dominant, whose previous lovers have all been submissives--both of the strong woman outside the bedroom and the quite submissive types. He's also just a year sober and very much in love with my friend, but some of the sexual, uh, adjustments, are a little challenging for them...he's used to have toys, and play, and control be part of his sexual life in a way she doesn't like.
After a while, I shared with Y that I was exploring D/s with Z; it was interesting that we re on two sides of the cycle--Y moving away from D/s to be with Z; me moving into it with Z.
Ya never know, do you.

Monday, September 19, 2005

No more Dominants, 'cept Z

I spent a good chunk of this summer looking for--and meeting--Dominants I could become involved with in addition to Z, but there was no one I met I wanted to pursue a connection with, and my connection with Z is now so intense (and rewarding) I'm going to hold off on another relationship with a Dominant.
I'm fine with D/s elements in other connections--spanking, restraints, blindfolds, etc-but I am not going to give myself to anyone else in the way I have to Z--it's just impossible (for me) to have that bond with two people.
I feel good about this decision, and surprised at how well things with Z have been going.
From an uneven beginning, we've made quite a tie (forgive the pun).

Sunday, September 18, 2005

In Z's bed

We're in bed after a long night out.
I am staying over, something I rarely do.
We kiss passionately, our tongues tracing each others' mouths,
our teeth tugging on our lips, ever so gently.
"Suck my cock," Z says and I lick delicately at the tip before slipping it in my mouth.
I think about the roughness of my tongue, cloaking my teeth, and the two fingers I am pressing
against his balls as I take the shaft deep into my mouth, kissing and sucking.
z grabs my neck with his hand and pulls me toward him by my throat.
Back and forth he guides me, my neck in his hand, my throat under his fingers as his cock slides down deep.
The pressure on my windpipe is crushing and thick, but I love the minute or so Z holds me like that--and how he knows to take his hand away, after a bit.
Soon, we are fucking, my legs jackknifed, over my head, my arms stretched out against the headboard, holding the posts as he thrusts into me, one steady stab after another.
It feels so good to have him inside me, to feel my pussy tighten and bear down on him as I will him to come, the muscles tightening so hard the pressure is almost unbearable, intense.
He doesn't come; instead, he pushes me flat and puts his hand inside me, the three middle fingers thick and blunt, pushing deep into my cunt, the little finger inside the tight pipe of my ass, his thumb grazing my clit.
He pushes hard and harder, jamming fingers into me, stroking the g-spot till I want to scream, till I do scream and then explode, as wrung out as a towel.
I am so spent I cannot move.
So spent I lie flat, relaxed
--But Z is not done with me.

Under his command, I open myself again to his tongue, a probing, whispering presence that makes me feel insane.
When finally I come, I am almost begging, reluctant, filled with a power I cannot stop, one that Z will push and tease even as I scream.
"I love to see you come," he says later. "I love to see how I control you, how I can make you feel so desired. I love the fact that those hot tits and that spankable ass belong to me."

Friday, September 16, 2005

Love & other things like sex

Over the past six months that I have been seeing Z, he's come to occupy an increasingly central role in my life.
Not only has he been my sexual mentor, he's been the most wonderful friend.
And someone I am growing to love.
Yes, for the first time since I was married, I am starting to feel love for someone else than my ex and it's just an amazing thing, because while the feelings of love and care are familiar, everything else is different--

  • I don't want to live with Z or be married
  • I don't plan to be monogamous (and he knows this)
  • I'm slowly and systematically exploring the concept of question everything, the subversive's motto
When we met, I was alone, horny, adventurous and questioning, but over the months he has proved himself to be someone special, someone who is gaining my heart.

And yet, it's not going to be an exclusive journey...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Marvin and Meg

How wonderful it is when two (sex) bloggers, say, align?
I don't know either one of them, but I thought Marvin's description of their time together was sweet...and hot.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Saying yes

Z is asleep in the hotel bed, arms folder, hair mussed across the pillow.
I lie beside him in the early light and think about how I ended up here, in this bed,
sated after a night of paddles and clamps, floggers and toys, followed by vigorous, happy fucking.

It was because I decided to start saying yes.
All my life, I have worried about what I should do, vs. what I wanted to do.
While I have coolly followed daring paths in my career, in my personal life I have been Ms. Measured and Practical, the good girl, the responsible one.
When my (long) marriage ended, I realized this was my chance to find myself.
I also realized that I had NO IDEA what I actually wanted.

So I started saying yes.
I met Z (online) and when he asked if I was interested in submission, I said yes.
He asked if I'd like to be tied up--and I said yes.
And then, when he spanked me, I said yes (many times--I discovered I love spanking).

The night I went out with the sadist, I said yes to the clothespins, and to the slaps,
and when I saw the other Dom, I said yes to being spanked, and then said yes to spanking with another Dom again.

And then I met the scientist and said yes to casual encounters with him, and started up my (long-distance) affair with my friend G, and then met and went to bed with V, Mr. Not Vanilla.

Suddenly, I was creating a sex life that I thought would shock my friends, but that started to feel more like who I really was, or who I wanted to become.

And now that is my life and I am living it and enjoying it
and learning there is great power in being brave enough to say yes.

(Inspired by a post by Coming Out at 48)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Dominant and submissive

I never call him Master or Sir.
He's not interested in discipline.
With every scenario we've discussed, I've never said no,
but I'm only submissive in the bedroom.

And yet, when it comes to D/s, Z owns me.
There is no question, when we are together, that I feel I belong to him.
That he has control of everything
and my wish is to please him.

As for Z, his wish is to pleasure me, to show me aspects of myself that I (less experienced)
have never seen, and to deepen the intensity between us to make our relationship
as rich, as powerful, as we can make it be.
And of course, to be in control, to enjoy how I have become his slut, to see the choices I make again and again to give myself to him, to surrender, all out of passion and love.

Dommed by Z, 3

Yesterday, Z gave me my collar, black leather and wide, with three big O-rings.
Then I modelled for him.
First, the new black corset embroidered with roses, black lace panties, black stockings and my new four-inch black high heels.
Next, the black waist-cincher garters with my black demi bra and fishnet stockings.
After that, the crotchless fishnet body suit, black thread lacing my entire body.
Finally, the dark purple lace demi bra and boycut shorts with garters and gray stockings.

Z snaps on the leash and makes me walk around the room with him.
He pulls me along like a puppy, and I hurry to keep up with him.

Now imagine me bending over as Z takes a paddle to my ass.
Imagine the fine sandpaper rubbing, hard, against the very softest white skin.
Imagine how red my bottom gets as Z smacks me, over and over.
Imagine how I moan as he pulls the collar tight and pushes me up against him, my knees on the bed.
"Hit me, hit me harder," I beg as the paddle comes down again and again, and god, it feels so good.

Now imagine that Z orders me on all fours and puts a buttplug in my ass.
Then imagine he takes a small vibrating egg and puts in inside my vagina.
He spanks me with his bare hand, his other hand working the egg.
As his fingers find their way inside me, I shudder and cry out.
The orgasms come so strong I feel like I am going to explode, feel wrung out like a washcloth and them smoothed flat to dry.
Oh, R, that was so good, that was amazing I say.

Soon, Z is beside me bed, pulling my collar so I must suck his cock.
He thrusts himself deep inside me over and over, his balls in my mouth as I grasp the shaft, rubbing and squeezing, then inside my mouth as I take him all in, as tight and deep as a swallow, a caress that is dark and wet and comes from the inside.

"Get on top, fuck me," he says, and I hurry to obey, moving his hard cock into my pussy, feeling it go just right and then we are together on the mystery pleasure ship, the wheel spinning and spinning as we bounce, as I rock on top of him, as I moan and cry out and he screams as the orgasm just ripples though him and into me and once again we are holding together, completely in sync, drained of everything but the pleasure that's burned into our intensity, the softness with which we kiss.

D/s and the most perfect weekend ever

When it comes to a Dom, I think Z is the one.
We had the most wonderful weekend.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

24 hours away with Z

I am going to spend the weekend with Z--in a hotel!
I love sex in hotels, but my ex didn't like to travel with me--and he didn't
like nice hotels, either.
Z is packing all his toys and we are going to spend the afternoon in bed.
Then we are going to go out to supper and the theatre.
I am imagining that I will ask Z what he would like me to wear, and that
he will watch as I get dressed in my lingerie, garters, fishnets, heels, clothes.
And that he will make me wear a buttplug or some other thing when we go out.
I love that idea.

I also know that somewhere on my body, probably my well-spanked ass, there will be bruises or finger marks that show.
And that no one will know, besides us, about these secrets we share.
And I love that, too.

24 hours away with Z.
No computers or email.
No blogs.
Just me and just him.

V is not for Vanilla

There is nothing vanilla about a man who wants (needs) a butt plug and a pocket rocket vibrator inserted in his ass so he can come when I jerk him off.
Nothing vanilla about someone whose secret fantasy is blowing a guy, preferably one he's been watching screw his woman.
And nothing vanilla about someone whose favorite bad for you pasttime is visiting strip clubs, or happy ending masseuse parlors.
Yep, that's what I learned about V last night.
Along with the fact he has issues with being inside a woman, let alone coming inside her.

My plans for a second guy in the kinda vanilla but really likes to screw category got shot to hell by this puppy, who's more of the I'm a mess, kinkster waiting to happen, in therapy with two therapists cause I am conflicted about my desires tip.

Need I say the sex was pretty unsatisfying?
Or that I was really disappointed?

We had a great talk.
I fessed up my other guy is a dominant, and we talked about exploring your desires, giving yourself permission to experiment, etc.
I wondered if he'd like to submit--removing control might remove some of his issues, as he called them.
I suggested he should hire a guy and act out his fantasies safely and see what he thought.

But at the end of the day, the sex was eh on my end.
I like this guy, a lot, but I like having great sex even more, so I think I am going to see him couple more times, see what develops, and if the sex doesn't inprove, confess what a sex maniac I am and move on.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Clayton Holiday sucks cock

"I became his cocksucker and he taught me the erotica of his fist."
--Clayton Holiday on coming out fully in his first male-male relationship.
A great post about facing--and expressing--your desires, something I think about a lot.

Also: see Coming Out at 48

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The past 30 days: What I have learned

30 days ago, I was debating whether to forgive Z.
Then I made a leap into a new level of D/s and intimacy with him.
I also realized that--like Jefferson--I do not want to be monogamous right now.
I want to have multiple relationships--two or three (okay, maybe four) and be honest about it and not sneak around.
I also realized that as much as I like being submissive to Z I could enjoy--just in fun--dominating someone else.
When I was making love with V (new guy) a few days ago, I pinned his hands down above his head as I hovered over him--it was only a moment, but it felt good. I enjoyed the power of having control, just for that moment, and imagined taking it further before I bent over to lick his balls.
As I've grown into my singleness (slowly) over the past few months, I've realized that my sexuality is a core part of who I am, and something I've neglected until now.
Now I feel like it's something that is flowering, blooming, full of interest and pleasure and power.
(to be continued)

Monday, September 05, 2005

Doing V

We're naked, on my bed, our skin glowing against the white sheets and pillows as dusk falls.
I'm on all fours, bent over his cock, delicately licking the deep pink tip before taking it full into my hungry mouth.
V lies back, almost purring, his hand gripping the hair at the back of my head, pulling me down as I suck the tip and let my fingers tease the ridges of skin along his balls.
The pre-cum glistens as I lift my mouth from his cock, and he almost gasps as I enfold his cock in my breasts, rubbing the skin slowly up and down.
I am able to flick my tongue over the tip as he rides between my breasts, flick my tongue on the shaft as I grasp the base and rub, flick my tongue on his balls as I consider putting a finger in his ass and decide, not.
V is vanilla, not into D/s and unaware of my special quirks.
He is my experiment, a nice healthy man to fuck, only it turns differently than I'd planned.

For one thing, V is on drugs--the kind that make it hard to come.
For another, V's cock is somewhat small--not the big dick I'd fantasized about filling me up.
But V is a sweetie, with smooth, warm skin, big strong hands, and a wonderful tongue he likes to stick in all sorts of warm places.
He's an enthusiastic kisser, able not to bite, and when he puts his fingers inside me and rubs the g-spot as he licks me with that talented tongue, I want to sing glory hallelujah.
Only V may not come (my ex had this problem), so how can I reciprocate?

Patty on The perfect spanker man

Patty writes about the perfect spanko, but it's just as true for a straight-on dom--or any sexual partner--isn't it?
You gotta communicate.
She says: "Above all I guess I just want to say that there is no perfect spanker man, a guy who can just intuitively tell you that you need a spanking because you need one. Not in your house or in mine. What there is, is your partner. The guy you cut from the herd and fell in love with. If you’ve gotten him to come into your fantasies and try on spanking with you, you are so far a head of the game. So many others can’t get that, end up dismissed, or even demeaned and belittled for trying, or are terrified to try. You have to help him and teach him the signals that you need a spanking so he can confidently tell you so when the time is right."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Dommed by Z, again

We're fucking.
I'm astride him, riding his cock, my breasts bouncing in the air.
His hands rake my breasts, come up to slap my face, pull and tweak my nipples.
I feel myself close down around his cock, grip him hard, squeezing so tight as
the pain turns to pleasure.
Ride me, you fucking slut, my big breasted fucktoy, he stammers. Ride my cock.
We come, first me and then him, waves of pure feeling, release, and it feels so good,
so natural, so much the two of us in sync.

Later, we lie on the sweat-soaked bed, naked, talking.
Z looks into my eyes.
"I think about rope and tying you up. I want to tie you on all fours with your ass in the air, your arms bound hand to elbow, your ankles tied together," he says, "I want you to be completely exposed to me, gagged and blindfolded. I'm going to put a butt plug in your ass and a dildo up your cunt. And then I'm going to suck on your clit, and suction it till it's big and sensitive.
And I'm going take some of that lube that gets hot and put it there and blow on it till you can't take the sensation.
And then I'm going to lick you with my tongue, tease you until you want to come and bury my
face in your pussy."

As he talks, I start to get excited. "Z, can I touch myself?" I ask.
"Yes. "

My hand creeps between my legs, fingers making wet, stroking circles.
Umm, I say, that sounds good

"Yes, you'll love it when I do that, wont' you?" he says."And then I'm going to take out the butt plug and I'm going to fuck your ass, first with a dildo and then with my cock. I'm going to rape it because it belongs to me, just like you do."

My hand is between my legs, touching myself as I listen to him.

Six months ago--even four--I would have left the room if anyone said anything like this to me; now, with Z, I know I will do everything he suggests.
"Get down and suck my cock," he commands. "Worship it."

I can taste myself on his skin as I take him in my mouth,
smell our past love-making as I run my tongue along the shaft,
tease his glans so lightly with my teeth.
I press my breasts together and wrap them around his cock, teasing him with the erect tips, then burying him deep inside my mouth.
"Fuck me," he orders, and I am astride him again, he's thrusting up from under me, pounding and hard, and my brain says I can't take this and I realize how tired I am, how spent, and how it doesn't matter, I am going to keep going until I give Z what he wants.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

From an email to T

I've always prided myself on my ability to act like a lady in public and be a complete slut in private, just as a point of female competency, but my recent interest in D/s has of course enabled me to take that to new heights (or lows).
I now enjoy all the classics such as taking the panties off in the bathroom, wearing the vibrating butt plug, painting my nipples courtesan red beneath my clothes, letting the heels go higher, the skirts shorter, and the blouses more scooped--not to mention the fluids I've licked off hands pushed into my mouth (I think that is so hot!), the legs I've spread beneath the
banquette and table, and the petting I've enjoyed in the back of a (crowded) theatre.
The incongruity of saying to myself "Wow, am I really doing this?" is as stimulating as the look of proud delight on the face of the man I am with as we skirt the complete edge of what's acceptable behavior by two adults with reputations to protect.

Of course, most of my real experience of this is with Z, who knows I am seeing other people, but does not know that I am entertaining thoughts of another Dom, even one far away. It's amazing to me that my interest in this kind of connection, my desire to continue to explore it, has become a driving force in my ideas about post-divorce relationships for myself.

On one hand, I want to have great sex and fuck myself silly (party because this seems to hard to attain!)--On the other hand, I think of the D/s aspect as the bigger prize, shinier and more special, perhaps because it is harder to attain.

The CEO Dom

When we first met, I was so excited by his kindness and world travels.
Then, when he kissed me, I realized he bit.
He loves golf and baseball, and beer and TV, and while those are all fine, I'm skating and kayaks and hiking, wine and blogs.
I'm verbal, he's not.
But most of all, the guy doesn't seem to want to do anything!
He keeps calling but he's wanting to stop over, not to go out.
We just don't have enough in common to make this I am going to cut him loose today.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Types of Doms

In my short time exploring submission and trying to meet the *right* Dom, I've made some observations about types of men who are Doms.
This is by no means comprehensive, but here's the list:
1)The Sadist
He's dreamed of tormenting women since he was small, he likes to hurt them more than they might want to be hurt, and he's looking for a relationship where he can get permission to be abusive.

2) The Scientist
He's a nerd, a geek, a freak, with poorer than average social skills and a romantic spirit. He'd like to use D/s to capture a woman, a princess he can bind to himself through such sexual intensity, much like a speciman on a board.

3) The Power Exchanger
He loves to push the envelope and the edges. Being Dom is part of his alpha male energy and hes going to be the best goddamn Dom there is, whatever that means. Oh yes, and he loves humilation and sharing...shows control.

4) The Sensualist
Wanton, in the moment, intense, the sensualist uses D/s to deepen a relationship and explore more aspects of feeling between two specific people. This is the type I prefer.

5) The Fetishist
It's not the woman, it's the whip, or the flogger, or the paddle, or the shoe, get the drill.

slut slut slut slut slut

I'm gearing up to expand my sluttiness in new ways: I want to meet someone with whom I can screw myself silly, ideally someone local and younger than I am (with no sexual problems and LOTS of stamina).
I have been back in town for 4 days have have had no sex with Z though I have seen him THREE times--what is that about?
Am I losing my mind?

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Touch, or the music of my sighs

I am wearing my new black spike heels, fishnets, and the tight black satin skirt I just bought.
With the new purple sweater falling open across my bare shoulders, and my fishnet stockings, I know I look hot.
The clothes flatter my hourglass shape and the high heels elevate my calves like nothing else.
"You should dress like this all the time."
Z smiles and pulls me toward him.
His hands slide down my back, feel my legs, roam over my chest and inside the blouse, inside the innocent white lace lingerie I've chosen for tonight.
"Come closer."
Z pulls me to him.
I stand there, in my 4 inch heels, head thrown back, as he pulls my breasts out of the shirt, out of the bra and sucks on the nipples, kneading them with him fingers and his tongue.
I stand there, in my black fishnet stockings, a smile on my face, as he runs his hand beneath my skirt, up high inside my thighs.
"Very nice," Z says, and we go into the bedroom where take I off the clothes, then give him a backrub and a massage.
"Let me put some cream on you," he says, and soon I am naked on the bed, almost spread eagled, feeling him carefully rub cream into my tanned back and the (still) angry sunburn on my shoulders.
Soon, Z is kissing me, and then his hands are on my body, the fingers moving inside.
No one has touched me for 10 days, I have been away, and my breathing grows ragged and heavy.
Z is working me, he wants to make me come, he wants to hear the music of my sighs.
I watch his face as he excites me--serious, intent, loving.
Soon, he closes his eyes going only by touch, his hands playing inside my body.
I come, and then I come, and then I lie back smiling, easy and relaxed, amazed at how langorous I feel.
"That felt so good," I says."Can I do something for you?"
"Not now, sweetheart, another time," he says, and I smile sweetly, hiding the disappointment.
I want to suck your cuck, I want you to fuck me silly, I want... But I don't say any of those things.
Instead, we lie together and talk, and cuddle, and I wish, for the 10,0000th time that that wonderful man was in much better health.
If Z was healthier, stronger...I don't know that I would need to look for anyone else,
but as it is, he leaves and I feel guilty for being somewhat unsatisfied.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

A scarcity of screws

The other thing about the men I met is most of them don't seem to be into screwing.
Or, there are reasons we don't.
From my perspective, this completely sucks.
I would like nothing more than to meet some really cool and passionate guy
whose free time pleasure was to

Screwing S, a memory

In college, S used to show up at the door to my room late at night, I'd let him in, and we'd make love in the dark, often without talking.
God, was it hot to make love without speaking, suck his cock without a word, help move him inside me and feel his hot cum spurt...and then silently pull apart, separate and kiss.
With our friends--because we were friends and part of the same circle--we pretended there was nothing between us, but then we'd slip off and have hot NSA sex.
I remember grappling on the waterbed in his room, his sharp hipbones jutting into my soft thighs until we made the parts fit together just right.
One night I woke up and there was a man in bed with me, fingers on my thigh, and it was him.
He'd hold my hands down and fuck me and I would do anything--anything--for the pleasure of feeling his fingers pinning my arms down and back as he pressed his cock in and out until I closed around him, coming hard but without a word.

I need more sex: Right now

I've been visiting family for a week, and am feeling amazingly horny.
For a woman who's involved with three guys, my selection seems awfully thin:
--One is home ill, having blown off tonight
--Another lives 30 miles away and is busy, busy, busy
--The third is 3,000 miles away and--ugh-- married

I seem to careeen from having too many men to having too few.
My fantasy of having a wonderful male sex toy, someone 32 and rugged,
just doesn't seem to be working out
I'd like to meet someone who needs a lot of sex, especially fucking, and who's
into coming over, having hot, hot sex and then taking off.
I had a relationship like that in college and it was incredibly hot--how do I get myself
a guy like that now?

Monday, August 22, 2005

Phone sex

Away from home, tucked into bed, and talking to Z
I am tucked under the covers naked, my hand under the sheet, fingers
resting inside me.
"Z, I want to come for you, would you like me to do that?"
Yes, my sweet girl, yes.
I circle my fingers over my clit, rubbing and rubbing, then dip two fingers
deep inside, trying to reach the g-spot.
"I'm touching myself, Z, thinking of you, imagining your hands on my skin,
your fingers insider me, imagining your pushing my up against your bedroom door."
As I talk, I hear myself breathing, hear the little moans and sighs my passion sings to Z,
on the phone 3,000 miles away.
"'I'm imagining you inside me, your putting a big plug up my ass, a dildo in my cunt and making me suck your cock."
We talk dirty and I touch myself as I listen to him.
I touch myself as I describe submitting myself to him, say I want him to use me for his pleasure.
I enjoy the feeling of putting myself on display for Z, want him to feel my passion through the phone, want him to know I am touching myself for him, something else I have never done.
There is no holding back, no stop sign in this game, only a rush of passion across the telephone lines.
As I touch and I rub and I dream, I hear myself gasp, then I sigh and say "I'm coming Z, it feels so good."
The orgasm is like a feather, no it's a wave, taking me away to a place that's near and yet also far.
"Yes, my sweet girl, yes," he says, and I think I want him.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Passion and submission

So this was a new experience: making love with my scientist, spread eagled on the bed, his tongue and fingers inside me, his mouth fast on my flesh.
Sensations were coming fast and furious when all of a sudden, I realized he's taken control.

Dom or not, the man is inside me, driving me toward an intense series of climaxes,very much in control of my (sexual) energy.

Maybe it was the first time I understood how much D/s is in my head.
Maybe it was the moment I recognized power exchange isn't just about spanking.

I want to be your slut, I want you to dominate me, was what I said to him silently, in my brain, as I moved toward orgasm, but I didn't mention it till later when we lay side by side on the bed, basking in the afterglow.

"Remember when I told you I had a sexually submissive side?" I asked.
He said yes.
"Well, you know, when you were going down on me, one of the things that got me excited was my feeling like you were in control--making me have all those orgasms--and I realized that's my submissive streak--thinking that made everything more intense."
My scientist smiled. "That's why sex is all in your head," he said, and bent to kiss me again.

Conclusion: The scientist and I have mad chemistry. He lives kind of far away, but I would like to have the chance to ravage him, to explore him again...and again.

How to savor the moment

So this afternoon, a man I have seen once before is coming over again.
My hope is we will spend the afternoon in bed, then go for a walk and eat fruit or roast chicken before he heads home.
He interests me, and he seems like a great, considerate and fun lover.
Of course, I suppose I should care that I could barely tell you what he does, or who his friends are--but he's nice, he's smart, and he makes me smile.
It's amazing, after all these years, to be in a place where I can pretty much do whatever I want, see whomever I want, set my own rules.
I'm curious where things will go with this man, but I am planning, above all else, to savor the moment.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

A new ambition

Z says: "I want to make you squirt."


His hands are on my breasts, his mouth tugs at my flesh, his tongue tight against the nipple.
Again and again, his mouth sucks the flesh, his teeth flick against my skin, he presses with his mouth, kissing--and devouring.
"I love your breasts," he looks up and says, pulling away for a moment. "I love them so much I could just eat them up."
You could bite them right off, I think, but I smile and say nothing.
When he tells me he wants to suction the nipples and put clothespins on the aureole to make them big and sensitive, How would I like that? I smile and nod my head.
Yes yes yes.
After the spanking.

This is bliss, this is everything.

He comes over after work and admires the black corset and the sheer black shirt I wear above my jeans and belt.
I know he likes the black beaded collar, though he never says a word.

"Before we go out," he says, "I have something. I want you to wear this."
He draws out the buttplug with the electronic control and I say yes.
When I am bent over the bed, smooth white ass in the air, black sheer panties pulled down, I look in the mirror--and I look hot.
Red hair, white skin, black corset, shirt, lingerie--and that classic pose, head down, ass in the air.
Soon, the buttplut is inside me and we are at the movies.
He flicks the switch on and off.
No one knows but us.

Later, at home, he makes me suck his cock.
I love to hear him moan.
"Talk dirty to me" he says, "Tell me about filling your ass with that big plug.
Tell me about how you like me to fuck your tits."
Soon, he is inside me.
I ride him as we both cry out, as the orgasm explodes, and we both come.
This is bliss, this is everything I think at that that moment. And then, I want to be your slut.
And then You own all my holes.
Bliss, yes.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Strap-ons: Heathcliff is hot

Heathcliff: "I want to kneel as you smear lube over your strap-on and get ready to fuck me. You push me down on all fours and take my balls in your hand, squeezing them gently and looping your index finger round the base of my cock. My ass is open for you, waiting to be filled, wanting to be owned. I can feel sweat pooling on the back of my neck and trickling down my spine, the anticipation almost too much. My face is buried in the pillow, but I beg you to fuck me anyway, reaching back to spread my ass and invite your cock inside."


Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Welcome, Fleshbotters

If you are here from Fleshbot, welcome.
Some hot posts to check out
About me
Waiting to be whipped
Passion and control
Make up sex


He likes to bite

D is at my house.
He's a senior exec at a large tech company, works 100 hours a week, has been a Dom for six years.
He seems to really like me--possibly because no one has held him in a long time.
Possibly because I am one of the few submissives he 's met online who are affluent on their own.
Possibly because I'm available.
Who knows?

We kiss for what feels like an hour.
He won't let me suck his tongue, but he likes to bite my cheeks on the inside, and hold and nip my lips with his teeth.
"You like to bite," I say.
"Yes, but have I hurt you?"
I say no.

He puts his hands on my ass and squeezes, pinching in slow motion.
He turns me around and spanks me.
First one cheek, then the other.
The heat rises off my body.
My pussy is getting wet.

I want him to overpower me, bend me over the couch and put his hands under my panties, edging the creases aside until his fingers are inside me.
I want him to put two fingers in, then three, then grab my hair and shove his hand into my mouth.
I want him to unzip his pants, push my face to the crotch, and tell me to suck.

But none of this happens.
"I guess I should take off," he says. "I'll take you out to dinner next time."
Okay, I respond, smiling. Give me a call.

As he leaves I am thinking to myself, how can I go out with someone who doesn't seem to get what a horny little slut I truly am?

Monday, August 08, 2005

And then we made mad, furious love

Z took Viagra, we cuddled and talked and 30 minutes later, we went at it again.
There was a moment when his cock woke up, knew it was on drugs, and got harder and longer than it's ever been.
In that sweet spot, I sat on top of him, feeling him inside me, thrusting as his hands squeezed my breasts, feeling my pussy contract and throb against his hard warmth.
There was the moment when he pinched my nipples and my pussy squeezed around his cock, and as he came, his orgasm pushed me over the edge and I came as well, so happy, so greatful to have this wonderful man inside me.

Dommed by Z

I dress for the visit...
Black and purple lace bra R bought me, matching panties.
Scooped-neck top, fitted cargo pants.
The red high heeled sandals he likes tucked into my orange bag, along with fresh lingerie, a crotchless mesh bodysuit, lace-topped stockings,my red high heels, a garter belt and a purple fishnet shirt.

When I arrive Z is in the shower.
The bag of toys is on the bed.
The restraints have been put out.
The sheets are clean, the pillows fresh.
I lie down and smile and wait.

"Take off your shirt and pants," Z says.
Soon, I am in just my lingerie, bending over the bed.
"I want you to lie down and touch yourself for me," he says.
At his instruction, I put three fingers in my pussy, then four(tough).
He pulls me to the edge of the bed and I suck his cock. Alot.

Soon after, Z lubricates and then inserts a huge plug up my butt.
It hurts like hell going in with the lube, and I scream.
" I want to tie up your breasts, and tie you to the door, blindfold you and whip you," he tells me.
Soon, I am wearing a lovely black rope harness he's made on my body, my nipples are clamped and the lingerie is missing.

Z shows me the restraints, puts them on my wrists, and measures me against the door.

If I wear my heels, I'll snap into the o-rings without stretching.
I put them on.
Blindfolded, naked, I am pressed against the door, arms stretched overhead.
I can't see anything.
Without warning, alnost silently the flogger comes down across my ass.
It makes a sound as it lands, and a woosh as it draws back.
Again and again, Z whips my ass, my back, the inside of my thighs.
"Stick your ass out," he says. "I want to whip your pussy."
The flogger cuts under my butt and flicks across my cunt, it stings and hurts, but the pain feels so good.
I don't want Z to stop, I don't want to need my safeword, I want to lose myself in the strokes of the flogger across my ass, and Z's hand, tugging the big butt plug deeper in, making me gasp.

"Let's turn you around, "Z says. "I want to whip your tits."
He helps me circle, and snaps me to the door again.
At the first cut, one of the nipple clamps falls off.
"Can't have that," Z says.
With one mighty swoosh, he brings the flogger down on my breasts.
The clamp bursts off my breast and I scream, feeling the whip on the tender nipple.
Soon, there is a dildo inside me, Z's hand at the end of it.
He thrusts deep inside me.
The pain is enormous.
I feel impaled, writhing, as if it is his arm reaching inside.
And yet, I am more excited that I have ever been.
I arch my back against the dildo, angling it toward my g spot.
His hands are sure, experienced.
Double penetration.
I can feel him watching me closely as he brings me toward an edge.
Whipped, impaled, slapped, rubbed--I come and come, hanging from the restraints,
sobbing with sexual thrills.
I know the neighbors can hear us, know I am gasping and screaming sometimes, know that I am almost beside myself, so keenly in a place of intense pain and pleasure.
"Come, sit. Enjoy the afterglow."
When he takes me off the door, I see I am unsteady.
I can stand, that's not it, but my reality has been altered.
I feel like I have become someone else, a new version of me, someone who feels differently.

Z gently removes the cuffs.
Soon he pulls out some new ones and attaches them to my hands.
"I am going to restrain you spread-eagled on the bed," he says. "Is that okay?"
He snaps me in place, then takes out a ball gag.
We've talked about them, but it scares me a bit--but I accept it anyway.
Soon I am tied down, gagged, completely exposed to him.
Z puts his fingers inside me.
As they move furiously, I push against his palm.
Almost against my will, this man is making me aroused, making me want to come.
The steady pressure of his hand builds my excitement.
I hear myself gasp, it feels so good.
I come.
Then, he's put something else inside me, something hard, and he is working me again, I can't turn away, and once more my excitement builds.
More double penetration.
Unnnh, unnhhh, I moan beneath the gag.
I must have come 3 or 4 times before he stops, gets up from the bed, and comes back with a little sharp wheel of an instrument.
It's a razor-sharp circle, with spokes, and I tighten with fear, afraid Z is going to cut me.
I watch him closely, eyes narrowed, as he traces the wheels across my breasts, down my stomach, and across my thighs.
I submit because I want to, but the little wheel scares me.
As he drags it across my sensitive pussy lips, I am too nervous to feel anything, and happy when he puts it away.
I know he can see I don't like it.

He removes the gag.
We hug and kiss. We lie together on the bed and talk.
I nestle like a cat against his shoulder.
"I forgot to give you your pebbles to throw," he says. "I could see you didn't like the medical instrument."
"I made sure I could spit out the gag if I had to," I say. "It made me nervous, but I didn't think you would really hurt me."
"I like to bite," he says," and I thought the wheel might be kind of like that, but I could see you were uncomfortable."
I stretch against his arm, still quiet.
"You like pain," he says. "I can see doing bigger, more elaborate things for you--I was hitting you pretty hard--and you seemed totally into it. Have you ever come so hard before? And so many times?
No, I say, nothing like this.
I am still, calm, almost numb with sexual release and happiness, amazed and grateful that after so many months, Z has finally, and with great success, given me exactly what I want.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

My (new) sex life

So 5 months ago, I was leaving a (long) marriage.
I had been with one person for more than 20 years.
I had no idea what might interest me outside of how I thought about my sexual relationship with him.
D/s, top/bottom, BDSM--they were all the same to me.
Rope, restraints, clamps, spanking--I had no clue about any of them.
The catalyst for my discoveries was meeting R.
In talking with Z, I realized there was an aspect of myself that had been there all along that was
sexually submissive, attracted to (some) pain, and fascinated with power exchange.
Suddenly, there were words for what I wanted to try--which meant I could now name it.
Which meant--well, everything you are reading here.

Z was the man who has helped me gain my freedom and find myself--a process that is continuing.

My hand, my computer, Z's DVD

A few months ago, soon after we met, Z gave me a DVD of The Fashionistas to watch.
I took it on a business trip, watched it over two nights and thought it was erotic and amazing.
In fact, it made me feel so hot I masturbated at the computer in my hotel room, something I adored describing to Z.
Now, 3 months later, I got out the DVD last night, set it up on my computer at home, and gave myself an amazing orgasm watching the orgy/backroom scene.
Did I mention how sexy I think Belladonna is (she's the star)?
Or what an enhanced appreciation I had of watching the chubby girl's ass turn bright red as she was throughly spanked?
And how when the ponygirl's mouth was pushed right up against the big guy's cock and she took it down whole, his hand gripping the back of her head, I could imagine exactly what it felt like?
It was good.
And Belladonna is beyond sexy.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Passion and control

Driving in the car, freeway, talking on the phone with Z
He says:
If I tied you down, spreadeagled on the bed and put a butt plug up your ass and spanked you, would you like that?
Yes, I say.
And would you like it if I tied your legs together and then your arms, and pulled you to the edge of the bed and fucked your face?
Yes, I say.
And would you like it if I tied you up and whipped you, and whipped those big breasts, and then fucked your ass?
Yes, I say.

I take a deep breath.
I want you to use me in any way you want
, I tell him. I want to be your slut.
Uhhh, he moans. "My sweet, submissive slut."
You belong to me, he says. Your pussy and your ass and your mouth and those big breasts.
Yes, I say. "You can do whatever you want."

I don't know exactly why I crossed the line on giving myself to this man, but I do know when.

It was two nights ago, when I forgave him for posting on Craigs List and decided to give the relationship another shot.

We have new words we're trying out now, words he has probably said before, to other women, but words that are totally new to me.

Belong is one new word, as in I belong to you.
Use is another, as in use me as you want.

The erotic charge I get from saying these things to Z amazes me-- as does the vigor of his response to them.

What if the passion I have been seeking has been here all along, waiting for the moment when I gave up control?

What if R can be the dom I seek, the safe place where I can let go?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Z Make up sex

"I want to belong to you," I whisper to him. "I want to be yours."
His hands are on my breasts, full hands that cover them and seek out the nipples, teasing and touching and stroking.
His mouth is over mine, his tongue holding mine, gentle, yet ready to devour.
We kiss and his hands move to my pants, reaching inside the low-cut bottoms, squeezing, stroking.
"Turn over."
I bend and he lays me across the bed, pulling my pants down. The spanking is hard; I put my knuckle on my mouth so as not to cry out, but it feels so good--I love it.
He turns me around and slaps my breasts, watching the pale red-head's flesh turn pink, smiling intently.
His hand in inside me, pushing, digging, filling me with an intensity that makes me gasp.
He is fucking me with his fingers, I realize, in a way his cock cannot, and the idea makes it feel so hot, makes me feel so connected to the man in the chair.
My orgasm builds and I almost cry when I come, the relief feels so great. At the end I feel wrung out, limp, calm.
Ater a few minutes, I turn to him and say sweetly, "Please, may I suck your cock?"
"No, I'm sorry sweetheart, not tonight," he says.
"Well," I pout just a little. "Can I just kiss it?"
I need to touch him, to be close, to hold our connection.
He agrees, removes his pants and underwear.
I bend to his cock, the pink rosebud lying still and small that I know will come to life in my mouth, awaken into something hard and exciting.
Like a delicious piece of fruit, I lick and suck him, nibbling at first daintily and then with greed at the warm, hard flesh until he is gasping with pleasure.
"Ooohhh," unhhhhh" he moans, "Don't stop, just do that."
For the next 15 minutes, I touch and tease him, stroking his cock, sucking it, nibbling the tip with my mouth, rubbing it with my tongue.
I kiss and tease his balls, running my fingers along the side of his legs.
I hold my hand at the base of his cock and plunge him into my mouth.
I hold him and rub, press him between my big breasts till me moans with pleasure.
He never comes.
After a while, I stop.
We kiss and hold one another tenderly.
"You have a bruise on your backside," he says."And it's still red."
I think about seeing him this weekend and adding another mark.