Sunday, October 23, 2005

Z, an evolving dynamic

The next day, Z and I make love again and lie around talking in bed.
He's been interested in D/s for about 6 years, but he's only had a few relationships where the dynamic actually played out, and I may be the first one where what we want is so compatible, so mutual.
"I used to be with a woman, and I started to realized I wanted to spank her, to slap her face and pull her hair, and there was no way I could do it that in the relationships I was having," he says. "I started to explore D/s, but I always wanted it to be with someone I loved and cared about, not with a professional, or with a woman with no self-esteem."
"I didn't know what I wanted," I say,"But I thought the power exchange would have an intensity that would be incredibly expressive--I just didn't realize how intense it would be."
"That's why I wanted it to be someone I loved," he says--"Because it's so close and powerful."
We talk more and I share some of what I've been thinking over the past 15 hours..."You know, what's changing for me is that I'm starting to crave you dominating me. I've always felt that I had the upper hand in the relationship in some ways, even as the submissive, because you're the one who's been looking for someone longer--I was married. But now I can see how my feelings might shift and I'd need you, want you to control's a little scary."
Z nods. "Yes, I'm the dominant, I own you, but because of that--you also own me."

We talk more...and he brings up my (growing) interest in pain.
His feeling: he wants to give me what I want, but more force isn't the answer. Instead, he wants to try more severe restraints.
"You're a pale-skinned red head and you can just take so much without being damaged," he says. "I want to try more control, and see if you feel things more intensely."

Lying in bed with Z, in the private world we two create, I'm wondering again at the unlikely match I have made. There is no way I could ever have predicted I truly would enjoy being submissive--to this man or to anyone--and yet Z and I have forged a deep bond, an ever-growing relationship unlike anything I've ever experienced--or imagined. The best part of it all is that it feels so right, and that I feel so good and so open, so excited, at how our dynamic is evolving.


Marvin said...

Thank you for sharing this exchange. It's amazing how we can become people different from who we thought we'd be.

Freya said...

I remember the first collar that came into our relationship. It freaked me out and I was horrified by it.

But when he pushed and I finally put it on, it fit in more than just one way.

Sometimes we can't possibly even imagine what it is we want until it happens to us. And then we know it.