Sunday, May 29, 2005

How to tell sub from vanilla

Curious Pussy: "I have this theory (have I told you this already?) that you can tell a sub from a vanilla by whether she offers you her hand to hold or her wrist to grab. Or he. So when fucking Spanky I would often rest my wrist in his open hand and press ever so slightly."

Saturday, May 28, 2005

That other guy

the one I had drinks with?
He's MIA. Zip. Nada.
Have not heard a word for almost 2 weeks.

D/s and Vanilla sex, or J and Z

Giving some thought to having sex with my X--did I mention that--when he came over the other night (turns out he dumped the girlfriend).
I did not tell Z, though I thought about it--mostly because he would have been the best person to share my thoughts with about the experience:
Sleeping with J was nice and he has a nice body, but I did not feel any of the sexual intensity I feel with Z.
I think that is not just because Z and I mix some pain with our pleasure (that would be my pain, in particular) . it's because our developing D/s relationship has a very strong mind/body connection.
In other words, the D/s is an expression of an intensity and a sharing we have with one another, and the great sex and fun is an outgrowth of that.
One of the miracles of my life with the X was how we could have what I thought at the time was great sex even though we were unhappy together--ie we had a mind/body disconnection.
X has a bigger dick, a better body, and I've known him waaaayyy longer, but if I had to choose--without the emotional baggage of the past getting in the way--I would chose Z.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Meeting the pervertables

Via Viviane: "When commonplace items are converted to erotic - particularly BDSM - use they are known as pervertables."
V offers links to a list of sites that could make Home Depot clerks blush or harden, if they only knew.
Mija is hot.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

He doesn't know

Z doesn't know what happened tonight.
If I was braver, or further along in being open about an interest in multiple partners, I'd say the following to him:
"I slept with J. It was really nice, but it wasn't as exciting as being with you. On the other hand, he has an amazing cock--and I have known him forever."
I'd also tell Z to make more of an effort with me..
.it bothers me that I may go away and not see Z because he is too busy--and yet he's watching all sorts of TV shows!


I just fucked, sucked and toe-sucked the X.
As in soon to be ex-husband.
He is so vanilla, but he has the biggest most beautiful cock ever--one I didn't appreciate when I had nothing to compare it to.
A cock too big to fit into my mouth completely.
A cock he'd never before used to fuck my face as he pulled my hair (yes, he liked that).
I also asked him to put two fingers inside me up toward my g-spot as he went down on me (I liked that), and I told him if he pulled and squeezed my nipples as his cock was inside me (I was on top), he'd feel my pussy tighten and clamp down on him.
Guess I've gotten over not saying what I wanted during sex.

What I noticed was that while it was super great to be with him, touch him, enjoy him, I found myself having to fantasize a bit to enjoy the sex with him--something that is not true outside of my relationship with him.
I also missed the intoxicating sense of intimacy and edge that D/s makes me feel--while X has a wonderful body, one I have loved for years, and is a super guy, he likes it slow and gentle while I like it fast and rough.
Nevertheless, it was amazing to have him inside me, and if we could do this again, I would be thrilled.

Monday, May 23, 2005


Where is the man who can take me in his arms tonight, hold me and kiss me?
The one who cares for me, wants me, is filled with heat and passion?
I've got one guy I'm seeing and while I care for him a good deal, I think about finding someone else
--and don't have a clue how to make that happen.
Especially because of my interest in D/s, I feel very cautious about meeting people...unsure about what to look for and who to trust.
I want to have so much sex it feels like too much and I am so far away from that option...


Pussy Talk has the most erotic post:
"In the taxi, we will make small talk, chatting and laughing and flirting as openly now as we did in secret on the phone all those long months. I will not resist the urge to unbutton the jacket or to cross my legs higher and flaunt that maddening edge of black lace against creamy thigh.

At your office, you’ll take me in your arms and confirm with greedy fingers the requisite nakedness under the suit. You’ll kiss me because I’ve told you how your mouth on mine opens my whole body to you.

Then you’ll bend me over your desk, shove my skirt up to my waist, and make of me what your wife will never be: the wet and filthy woman of your dreams, your mistress, your whore, and your cock-slut.

More here. (shiver)

12 hours, Sex two ways

Last night, we were in bed cuddling, with Z rubbing my nipples and pulling them.
Of course, I got completely aroused after a bit.
And I wanted to .go down on him.
So I did, and he put his hand inside me, very effectively, I'd say, and came in my mouth.
I came as well.

This morning, I started off fondling his nice hard morning erection, taking the tip in my mouth, licking and sucking him, and then switched to rubbing him between my big breasts.
And then, at a certain point, we just had to fuck.
Nothing would do but for him to be inside me.
Fortunately, I was wet and I got on top of him and leaned back and rode the pony.
"You look so beautiful" he said.
I was concentrating on making myself tight, tighter than last time, so I could really feel him come inside me.
Head thrown back, eyes closed, mouth open and moaning a bit.
He reached up, grabbed my sensitive nipples, and pulled and squeezed hard.
That did it--I was as tight as could be and we came together, moaning.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


Not that I am there yet, but I hope Viviane put this up in least in part because of me (if she is aware I exist):
'Polyamory is a neologism, signifying having more than one long term intimate, usually but not necessarily sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.
Persons who enter into or consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly. (Wikipedia)"
More links here.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Dominance, the mind set

I've been wondering what motivates a Dom like Z--or K(the new guy) who isn't a sadist, doesn't want to hurt women, but is very much a Dom.
Themes that emerged from listening--and talking--are about sexual and emotional control, the pleasure of controlling a woman and having her submit to you and do what you want, even--or sometimes especially if--it is embarrassing, painful, or pushes her limits in some way.
I asked Z if this was accurate and he said yes.
I then asked him if part of the sexual energy was a means to control a woman and bring her under the Dom's control.
He said yes, absolutely.
(Makes sense)
We then tried to talk about the hard to define edge between this kind of intense emotional/physical play and the deeper meaning that is has--Z and I are equals, but at some point when we begin to touch, things change and we move into these roles--he is the Dominant, I am the Submissive.
He orders and controls, I fulfill and obey.
In my submission is incredible power and amazing sexual thrill.
In his Dominance, the same.
And under it all, a growing shared bond of closeness, caring, lust, passion.
(How could anyone NOT want to experience this?)

In some ways, this D/s relationship is the most incredible thing that has happened to me in many years, and yet, there are moments, as Z said, when I must ask myself if I have gone insane..and then I agree that I have, but in such a good way...

The other MIA

So it's Saturday, but the other Dom, the new guy, so to speak, seems to have melted away.
He emailed me after the evening, thanking me, etc.
We then traded some voice mail, but I was insulted that he didn't call till 9:30 PM Friday to make plans for Saturday..and then I couldn't call back till Sat am anyway.
And now it's Saturday and we are clearly not getting together and who knows what to think?
Forgiving side

  • Guy's kid needs a graduation dress
  • He's shy
  • We didn't make a date

Suspicious side
  • This is passive aggressive-you talk about making a date, you make a date
  • He wants me to call more than once; I won't
  • He doesn't want to get together anymore, who knows why.

Anyone of these could be true--or none of them could be.
I thought he was cute, but this behavior gives me pause...

Also, I decided that if he did call me again, I would not go out within unless he gave me more than his first name, email address, and cell phone--a last name, a business card and a home address are more what I have in mind.

So, seeing other people may be a moot point for now.

Z, erect

So Z came over last night. We decided to stay in and relax and skip the movies.
I brought him into my bedroom, removed most of his clothes, got some body lotion, and gave him a most excellent massage: shoulders, arms, legs, feet, hands, back.
He loved it and then he wanted me to scratch his back (guys all like one thing!)
After that, I took him underwear off and gave him a blow job, teasing him with my fingers and tongue.
Every time I go down on him--and this is only time #3 or #4--he feels differently to me.
This time he sprang up hard; he felt great inside my mouth as he began to use my mouth.
I wrapped my big breasts around his cock and he went crazy; his mind was as excited as his body.
I alternated between breasts and mouth till he couldn't wait any longer.
"Come on top of me. Put me inside you," he panted.
I did, but I felt large to myself--and he felt small--but he didn't seem to notice--he was so thrilled to finally be erect inside me (this man has a problem with medication)
I moved, he moaned, and soon he came.
I touched myself to see if he'd really come inside me--and yes, he did.
I was thrilled for him, but unsatisfied.

On the other hand, he'd made me come at least three times the last time we got together, with nothing for himself, so I was happy to let him have the attention.
I'd become completely naked somewhere in the middle of all this and we spent the next 2 hours lying together cuddling and talking. We had a great talk,one that made me feel even closer to him and more intimate than I did before.
I will see him again tomorrow.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Drinks with a Dom

So I am dating R, a wonderful Dom who has some problems that lead to major complications.
So I agreed to meet L tonight, another Dom who sounds very compatible to me.
We had drinks at a localwine bar, out in the garden where we could talk alone.
2 hours of talking, flirting and laughing.
He's been divorced several years, one kid still at home, got into D/s after the divorce.
Very interested in orgasm control, exhibitionism, control, breasts, did I say control?
And what am I into, he wants to know?
Blushing a bit, I describe my interests and a couple fantasies.
It seems to be going really well...I like him.
At the end of the night, we are talking, I am a little drunk, and I want to show my power, so apropose of something, I reach over, put his thumb in my mouth and suck on it, tonguing and biting a bit.
It's intensely erotic, but brief.
We talk out and he takes my hand.
At my car, he leans back, presses me into him, and we begin to kiss.
He is an excellent kisser, with a warm, firm mouth.
Lightly, his hand strokes one of my nipples, tracing it, as he kisses me.
As I respond, he presses me further against him, arching my back.
We stop.
"You're a good kisser," he says.
"You too, "I say.
"Wow, when you put my finger in your mouth back there.."
We agree we want to see one another again, maybe this weekend.
I leave feeling excited, like maybe I've met someone new.

Of course, then I stop and realize..if I date two Doms and don't tell one about the other, will I have two sets of marks?
And how would I explain that?
Uh, oh.

When space arises, something new fills it

After we made love, he said, "You know, you're much more open to all this and turned on than you were a few weeks ago. Your body is much more receptive, and I'm wondering just how far you'll take your taste for pain as part of pleasure. This is a reason to not rush, and to savor every moment, and take it little slow, because you will find a place where you won't want to go any farther."
A good comment, but what it made me think about is how differently I am starting to think about things. Some fantasies I find amazingly erotic that are so new from anything in my past:

  • Z's fingers in my mouth, stretched wide, my legs open for him
  • Being tied up and whipped, then used by Z
  • Satisfying a dominant and his slave wife; being the submissive to the slave
  • Bringing two men back to my place and having sex with both of them
These fantasies are blazing hot, and while I DO NOT want to act on the last two (for many reasons), they've a departure from my previous "I don't share" brand of internal sex talk, and also from the "I'm not into women" discussion in my head.
All of a sudden, it's dawned on me that being with a couple is different..and it could be really hot.

Truthfully, I find these fantasies a little scary--it's reassuring that I've been with R for six weeks and we haven't done many of the things we've talked about--it reminds me that I have no need to act on any of these fantasies, ever.
Of course, what really scares, though, is that someday I might want to, just like I used to fantasize about getting spanked and having my nipples pulled and now it's part of what R and I do.
That's why this blog..I need a safe place to write about this new erotic journey.

Deep breath...and hello

Hi, there, welcome to my private world.
This is my third or fourth blog, but I've learned from experience, and this one is going to be completely private.
I don't want to slip the URL to a few trusted friends, and then realize I can't write about my growing interest in D/s, spanking, polyamory, shibari, and all sorts of other things that are claiming more and more of my attention.
Call me a reclaimed workaholic who had to go through a traumatic breakup before she stopped escaping her uhappy marriage through work, or a compulsive blogger who's gotten used to writing everything down (and has an exhibitionistic streak--at least on paper)--and both those things would be true.
The main reason, though, that I am starting this blog, my friends, is to have a place to talk freely about all the marvelous things that are claiming my attention and all the new ideas and sensations--and to invite you--if you are interested, to be part of the conversation and yes, the dance.

On fire

He came over tonight after work. We talked, went out to eat, then came back here.
His hand inside me, deep and thrusting, more fingers than before.
His mouth on my breasts, teasing the nipples hard.
"You are so tight, so wet," he says, his hand inside me, and I feel myself clamp down and clutch around him as I moan.
His hand wide inside my mouth as I lick my smell from his flesh.
I lie over his knee and he spanks me, massaging the flesh as it turns pink.
He puts his fingers into my asshole, digging deeper there as well and I moan with delight.
When this man touches me, I am on fire. I want to belong completely to him, to be his in a way that my body already knows is exactly right.

Later, he says "This is not a game, this is something between us that comes out of how we feel."
"I know" I say. "It's playful, but it's not a game."
We never use the L-word, but love is what he touches me with, and love is what I want to give back to him as a gift of my self.

D/s: Questions

24 hours ago, I was spread-eagled, face down on the bed, wrapped in rope and being throughly spanked. I've had a day to think everything that happened over and have some thoughts and questions:

As I get further into this exploration of my sexuality and submission, D/s, what will happen to the more vanilla side of my sex life?
I suspect that I'll begin to crave D/s as an active part of any future relationships--it seems so addictive, compelling, and expressive to me--but is that true/typical?

When J laughs and says "I want to hurt you, but not in that way," he's explaining why he decided not to do a specific thing with me, and hinting at experiences to come.
What makes a Dom want to hurt a sub, assuming he/she is not a sadist per se? Is it the power and control and the posession that inflicting and receiving pain demonstrate?

I LOVE what we are doing, and it bothers me that I can't talk about it with family and friends. Everyone I know would be SHOCKED that I am having such a wonderful time being tied up, spanked, face fucked, used, etc...but by someone with whom I am building such a caring relationship. Discovering how intensely I feel is one of the major revelations of my recent adult life, but it's something I can't talk about--except with J, who is a great listener and has lots of thoughts of his own to share.
How do you handle this part of your life with others? Is it walled off? And if you talk about it, how do you describe it?

A memory from last night:
Me, fishnet bodystocking, heels, clamps, rope, lying on the bed after J used my mouth and I got so excited I almost came. He said "I want you to think about yourself here, naked, clamped, bound with rope. Are you my submissive slut?"
Yes, I said, Yes, and my pussy tingled because what I want the most is for this man to use me and for me to please him.

And just think, 6 weeks ago, I didn't know--and hadn't experienced--any of this.

More about last night

So after we had finished, we lay on the bed and cuddled and talked.He told me about a woman he'd fisted--I guess several--and said he thought I was too small for that. We talked about more rope, being restrained, about tying vibrators into the ropes so I felt it against my clit, or inside me, held down by the rope.

We talked about the big glass dildo and the butt plug I saw that I'm waiting for him to produce sometime.
And the beautiful black latex flogger he brought, which we did not get to.
I learned that I wasn't just imagining that I really like some pain,m actually more than I thought, and feel like I've made a wonderful choice in choosing J and becoming his private, submissive slut.
Of course, this is the only place I know of, more or less, that I can talk about this--my life is VERY vanilla, so I think friends would be horrified and NOT understand how liberating it feels, how much more myself I feel right now, and how exciting it all is.

Who do you share your stories with?

Thursday, May 19, 2005

I am a... Submissive Slut

I've been wanting a place to write about my new interest in D/s...and this will be it. Background on me to follow in another post, want to start by writing about last night. Names changed for privacy, of course.

I have been seeing J for a month. We met online, not on a BDSM site. His ad appealed to me cause he said he was a dominant looking for a relationship. While I was not sure I was looking for a LTR, I responded. We turned out to have a lot in common and when we got together, we got on extremely well.
J's thing is he only wants to do D/s with someone he is truly close scenes per se.
My thing is I have no experience but realized that was something I'd been interested in and repressed during a long marriage with a guy who had little interest.
J and I have had sexual encounters during the month, but last night was the first time my submission came into play.
I was wearing a black body stocking, black lace demi bra, lace panties, heels. I removed the bra and pulled the body stocking down so he could bind my breasts with Shibari rope, tease and clamp my nipples, tell me to close my eyes, lay me on the bed and tease my nipples and clit with a riding crop.
Oh, and did I mention the way he kissed and bit my breasts, and sucked my nipples, and pulled and twisted them so they became long and erect? And how good it felt and how I moaned in the back of my throat?
It was all that.
He put his fingers inside me, 2 or 3 would fit, and as he teased my breasts and went for the g-spot from the inside, I came, hard, against his hand, another first.
After that, I sucked his cock and this man knows things...he flipped me upside down over the edge of the bed to suck him, put me between his knees and fucked my face. I put my big breasts around his cock and fucked him with my nipples (or vice versa) and sucked him a little at the same time.
He came deep in my throat and I swallowed, so excited I thought I could come again.
Later, after we'd rested and ate and hung out, I took off everything and he dressed me in a beatiful white, intricately knotted rope, pulled me to the edge of the bed, and described how he could pull the rope to fuck me.
I begged to suck him some more and he let me. And that's when I basically went crazy, really excited.
I don't even remember what we were doing when that second set of orgasms kicked in, but I know it was good, and that my sense I'd be happy as a total slut were true.