Tuesday, April 03, 2007

A new path, a new direction

After being married twice for many years, I've spent the last few years in my third trimester of life. My last marriage went stale after years of waiting for minor issues to resolve which left me wanting a richer sex life. I had always envisioned that the golden years would be sexual bliss.... free of money issues, kid issues, and at the same time knowing each other like a glove.

In my mid-fifties, I awoke at 3 AM one night with an erection. A dwindling sex life at hand, I decided that I didn't want to be denied. I initiated foreplay, tenderly, but asserted, she seemed to be feigning sleep. Finally she growled, "go back to sleep"! My calm reply was "Let's talk about this in the AM".... her response hit me like a bucket of cold water.... "after I'm done studying". She was preparing for a big test. I had an "aaaahhhh ha" moment.... this was all about her. Although I didn't expect sympathy at 3 AM, a light bulb went on, my golden years were about to be very different than I expected.

The discussions the next AM were fruitless and futile for me. Her feeling was that in our mid-fifties, we were over-the-hill sexually. She felt she was normal. Menopause left her sexually apathetic, and I was over-sexed and should get counseling. No health issues for either one of us. All I could think of is, "Is this all there is???".

The marriage ended in hours with me feeling hurt and my needs as a man minimized. I went off to do some chores that would take me away most of the day. We checked-in with each other other over the next week or two while remaining distant. Neither was budging.

We agreed to an amicable divorce. Fifteen years together and we came to an abrupt ending. Seemingly nothing was wrong to outsiders, we actually were best friends to each other. We had a nice life, a nice shared hobby, financially secure, some great kids(from prior marriages) that each adored. We were each others best friend if we didn't look too deep.

But still, I had a deep betrayal. She feels that she set me free.... Our one common ground was not being angry, we decided not to spend a lot of energy fighting.

She moved out less than two weeks later. I kept the house and cars. She brought an impractical import that was cute, but much too small for my tall frame.

I rationalized that it was my fault. I let the infection between us set in and take hold. I was the nice guy who didn't pressure and pester for sex. But, also there was no communication, and no platform or forum to discussion anything of a sexual nature. There was pure denial on both of our parts. I was a nice guy, too laid-back and no-pressure.

I started dating. I nurtured a latent interest in BDSM and D/s. A candy store of delights that had my nose pressed against the window glass.

Being interested in these activities was the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval for a woman with a passion, libido, and desires. I wanted the proverbial lady in the parlor, whore in the bedroom.

I began to attend munches, workshops, and play parties. I became interested in submissive women who were reasonably stable, but had an edge. Many came from beleagured marriages like I had. Identifying with each others' plight was pretty easy. I often joked about setting their ex-'s up with my ex-, they would both be happily passionless.

I dated a number of women seriously in romances that lasted from 6 to 18 months. I worked hard at searching for my ideal mate. I was seldom not in a relationship. I made ever better choices for partners.

Then, I found polyamory about 3 years ago. Dating two submissive woman at a time in a complete relationship was like heaven. Complex and rich, but complicated. I lived with a woman until just before I met Plum who was polyamorous and fun, but not meant to be forever.

Plum and I met at a party by chance. We were each there with another partner . Exchanging info on the side, we wrote and called each other a few days later. The tryst was on.

We found that it was fun and deep to discuss what we wanted and how we failed in our prior relationships. Our chemistry was as amazing as our physical differences.

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