Sunday, April 15, 2007

Am I the one? Is it too soon to know?

Plum didn't show her talk post as mentioned. I found it after we had the talk this afternoon. Nothing surprising here, guilty as charged. I am now very much aware that it takes a while for me to fully recover. Perhaps there is a transition time for Plum as well. My heart connection is on a roller-coaster.

I've more or less accepted Plum's interests in D till now. It was easier before when we were not as close as now. It was easier while I dated someone else until two months ago. I also had a F-Buddy who I gave up seeing because I wanted to concentrate on Plum and simplify my feelings. I see D as her backup plan, a safe security blanket that has been washed many times and very worn. I'll let Plum speak of her feelings and me of mine.

When we first dated, Plum was a secondary relationship for me. A few weeks after we started dating, in a discussion much lighter than the one we had yesterday and this AM, I mentioned something that was to set our course in another direction. A kitchen talk had me talking in a manner that Plum was a secondary relationship for me...... WHOOPS!

Plum wanted a me as a primary. I was newly dating Miss Sharp Pen who I met at the same time as Plum four months ago. Plum already had a relationship with D. We both finessed our positions a little in the talk and we changed our relationship course somewhat. At about the same time, Miss Sharp Pen wrote an email missive about a relatively silly issue that started a hurtful fight between her and I us that gave me the notion that Miss SP was not a long-runner in my life.

Plum switched places rapidly in my life hierarchical order of love in my mind. She talked constantly of a future and about our short range dreams. Eventually a month later Miss Sharp Pen gave me a 100% or nothing ultimatum. This was a bold power-play that she lost. Plum is now my sole love. I would not seek another secondary for the time being. Plum and I are a much better fit and I am hard pressed to imagine how it could get much better.

Plum and I in the meantime got a lot more serious. Plum's affections were clearly toward me, but she was still seeing D , sometimes sharing parts of weekends like last weekend. I knew that they would spend Friday night together and I would join them for an event on Saturday during the day as a way to ease his pain about being less important. A minor strain that was easier for me to agree to earlier in the weekend, but when faced with Friday night alone, Plum could see I was in a funk when she called to say hello while she was on her date with D and telling me they were watching a movie. I think she was trying to be nice, but I was home doing nothing and missing her. The next day event went OK, we had a good time, but Plum got a rare headache and we scurried home hastily a little earlier than planned. I spent the rest of the weekend with Plum and D went home to his house. Plum and my recovery was great.

As a trial and as a expression of a committment Plum and I spent two extra nights together on Monday and Tuesday. We want to get beyond dating and spend more time living together. All went very well. I purchased new eyeglasses at a shop near Plum's house. Plum helped me pick out the frames. They said that they would be ready on Thursday or Friday, I asked for Thursday because I could be with Plum Thursday night and pick them up

Plum later announced to me that Thursday night wasn't good because she made a date with D for that night, he would be staying overnight. This was a miss-step that left me hurt and wondering. Not that I had any claim to Plum's sole affection, but that there were no plans earlier in the week when we discussed spending more time together and then one was made. I drove a two hour trip on Thursday to pick up my glasses without seeing Plum.

This past weekend made up for my discomfort, but I am left wondering why it is going this way. Is it nights I spend alone, it is the nights that I could have spent with Plum, or am I smothering her? I am questioning polyamory and I think Plum is also. So much sizzle, but so much chance of crashing. For now I wouldn't date anyone else. We are committed to each other........... time will tell what happens.

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