Monday, April 23, 2007

A little pained and a lot proud!

Plum hurriedly wrote her post last night as I was still digesting the weekend. I felt more than happy to be at the Girl's b-day with Plum, who is so admired. I was ecstatic. I was very happy that she in the last few lines of her post that she acknowledged a little balance of her joy of admiration when she said she was pained by some of the attention… a sign of an Ethical Slut?

But, I was let down because there were women who were poly and openly inviting and encouraging to other men, while they were not interested in me. I was feeling left out and a little like the last one picked for the ball team.

We spent the drive home reconciling our alternately feeling of euphoria and sadness. An interesting dichotomy developed as we drove. I didn't see Plum as pained about being uncomfortable while we were at the party. But, she said she was on the way home? Nor did I see her fend off any advances with a rebuke.

In fact, at the party when I later said that I didn’t think it was my place to speak up when X came over, sat down next on the other side of Plum, and asked HER for a date in front of me when Plum and I were chatting alone on a break; Plum said she was furious that I put the burden on her to speak up. I feel it would be tactless to answer for her when he sat next to her and asked her for a date. I left them alone and headed for a potty break. I was never seriously worried about her position with me either, and was much more saddened by the lack of attention I received. Maybe all feel this at one time or another. Is this jealousy? I was proud of Plum, but feel a little sad that she could write so glowingly of something that was sensitive to me. Would a different degree of success have buoyed my spirits, even if I didn’t revel in it. If the tables were reversed would I glow in my success while Plum simmered, or would she not simmer?

Me: a nice guy who is never as crass as many who approached Plum. Should one throw it out there literally, and maybe someone will bite? Is this method a winner in this social environment? Do nice guys finish last? Am I too new for this group to be recognized? I knew many from a few years ago in another lifetime. Maybe a little of all of these…………… ?

Am I too thin skinned, take it too personally, or is being poly and enjoying this lifestyle more painful than I want sometimes? Do other times make it worth it? I still think so.....

For all that think this might not have been said by me in the ride home yesterday, I re-iterate that it was! In no way, do I think Plum meant to hurt me, but yes, to being insensitive. Perhaps she could have waited more than a couple of hours after getting home. I still love her.

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