Still waiting to be whipped

Me
Lingerie, fishnets, heels.
Tied to your door. Pulled tight against it.
You, with a paddle.
Spanking me.

I want to be whipped.
I want to feel a transforming pain.
How long will you make me wait till I can finally have what I want?

Possible men (or not)

A, the 31 year old I met online, who actually seems kinda nice--at least at a virtual distance. Someone young would be a trip...but I fear I am too old.
D--the 50 something DOM whose marriage broke up because of his D/s interests (should I say obsessions?)--we are supposed to meet for dinner in 2 weeks.
DSF--the still cloaked (and married) DOM who is married with a child, smart as a whip and sounds great--but is attached (okay, he has done this before, but it bothers me)
There are some others from the dating and BDSM sites, but these men have caught my attention.
Now, do I actually meet them and move these options ahead?
I think yes.

No sex, arrghh

No sex with Z for a week or more. We don't seem to make it past a blow job and a hand in my pussy often enough.
This is frustrating.

Laura the tooth: true dat

laura the tooth says: i definitely feel that modern porn with all its emphasis on orifice stretching and stunt fucking for the benefit of the camera has led to the decline of the importance of vaginal tightness. the overriding philosophy behind all the double penetration, double anal, ass to mouth, fisting, anal gaping, and jackhammer backdoor boning is orifice expansion, which is the antithesis of tautness. this is a sad development, because one of the biggest benefits of fucking is getting to feel something--after her pussy, asshole, mouth, and throat are all stretched out and loosened up from all that "penile accommodation" (and penetration with any other large foreign object[s]), what's next? will he just just stick it in her ear?"

Laura, true dat.

Spanked

Home from another trip.
Z comes over.
I am tired, cranky.
We hand out and talk.
Eventually, we start to kiss.
"Take off your blouse" he says, and devours my breasts, pulling them out of the black and burgundy demi bra he bought me and which I have on tonight so he can suck the nipples into high pink points. He nuzzles the soft flesh, gently biting the skin, bruising and marking me like a piece of ripe fruit.
"Turn around and let me see your ass in those panties," he commands.
As I obey, I wonder what else he would like to do.
"What would you like?" he says, to my surprise.
I smile.
I was just thinking the same question about you.
"Well, I know what I'd like, "he says, "And I can tell you--but how about you."
"I'd like you to spank me," I say, and we both smile.
I turn and he hits me, hard with his hand, going from side to side until I know my ass is pink and warm.
"Oh, that looks so hot," he says, and he pulls me closer, working a finger into my asshole, digging and pushing in a way I find intoxicating, especially when he combines it with fingers iny my cunt and/or hitting me some more.
He works on me and soon I come, clamping down on the fingers in my ass and touching my clit as he spanks me.
Soon, we go into the bedroom where I take off his clothes, he lies down and says" Suck my cock."
I remove my bra, shaking my big breasts free, and take him in my mouth. As I suck his cock, I tongue and lick his ball and dig my fingers into the base of the shaft, creating some contrast.
Listening to his moans, I feel in control.
He thrusts himself into my mouth, hooking his legs around my neck and pushing up with his hips till my entire world is cock.
I suck him, deep, until he comes in my throat.
"Suck me more, " he said, so I continue for a bit until he says its enough.
When we are done, we lie together naked on the bed and hold one another and talk.

Multiple partners, how to?

I'm starting to realize that all the chatting with Doms on other web sites that I engage in has to do with my very lively curiosity about having more lovers.
But there are three things I am at a complete loss to figure out:
1) If I want to do D/s, how can I do that with someone I don't know--it seems so risky and difficult to meet the right person--part of Z's great appeal is that I totally trust him(only we just don't have sex enough!)
2) How can I have a D/s relationship with two men and keep that secret(as in, secret from Z)?
I'm thinking multiple marks, for one thing.
3) If I'm not looking for D/s, but for some cool sex partner/friend that I can like and trust, how do I meet that person--and what should my criteria be?

After so many years of being married, this is all new to me--help!

Dinner fantasy

We are meeting at the conference hotel.
Last time you saw me, my marriage was ending.
"You'll have lots of fun,"you said. "You're a terrific person and will have the freedom to enjoy yourself. I bet you'll go out with other guys."
I sat at the table with you and realized I wanted to reach under the cloth, unzip your pants, and stroke and fondle your cock.
Now it is 4 months later. I live alone and I am single.
Before our meeting, I run out to the stores by the hotel, trying to buy hot new lingerie.
I imagine our dinner turning into something more, a night in my hotel room, in my hotel bed, where I unzip your pants and make you stand by the bed as I kneel down in lace lingerie and heels and tell you I have to suck your cock, and what a slut I've become, by the way.
As I get dressed tonight, I wonder if I have the nerve to express any of this, and what you might feel.
My tight sweater shows off my breasts, and I am wearing a skirt, not pants, all the better for your hands to drift beneath, should the opportunity arise.
Perhaps we will drink wine and kiss, our mouths drifting together like smoke, our hands reaching for one anothers' knees, touching the soft bits on the inner thigh.
Perhaps we will spend time together in bed after sex, spooning in the dark until you reach for me and want to come again before you go back to your own hotel room.
I imagine us lovers, meeting around the world for dinner, talk and sex.
I magine how think and long your cock is, and how good it would feel in my mouth.
I imagine your joy at how sexual and expressive and kinky I am compared to your wife.
And how happy we are with the fun we have.

90 minutes later we are standing together, chatting. You tell me your wife is coming to join you at the conference, and we're all going to have dinner together.
You say things are terrible between you and you're trying but it may just not work.
"I want to get to know you a lot better," you say to me. "Not only professionally, but on a personal level."
"I would like that," I reply demurely, aware that what you really mean is I want to fuck your brains out. Aware you are too honorable to say that--or do it--right now.
I am incredibly disappointed at losing the chance to have you all to myself, but I can afford to wait.

I have dinner with you and your wife.
I pretend I am still married and never mention the pending divorce.
We now have a secret between us your wife does not know--that we talk in a way that excludes her, and I realize that if your marriage blows up, you may be at my door.

C, returned (sort of)

So C was the Dom I had drinks with a few weeks ago, who seemed really fun under his rugged exterior, and who whispered about how he liked to sexually tease, withhold orgasm, and have his sub take off her shirt on the freeway. He struck me as hot, I enjoyed kissing him when he walked me to my car, but then once we agreed we wanted to see one another again, it went all weird.
He called me, I called him, but then he didn't call me back and I wondered if his game was to withhold himself. Finally, before I went on a trip, I sent an email saying I'd enjoyed seeing him and he should be in touch when I got back if he wanted to meet up.
The day after I returned I got an email from him--only there was no message--the man sent a blank email.
Now, the night with C has provided much hot masturbatory fantasy in lonely hotel rooms, BUT common sense suggests a man who only gives me his cell phone, sdoesn't offer his last name, seems to have issues around communicating, and appears to be pretty withholding is someone I should skip.
At worst, this man is some twisty guy; at best, poor communication skills except when 1:1.
Verdict: Let this one go.

Some pix

D/s Chez Z

Last night at Z's. First of all, we did not have the hot night of D/s sex I'd imagined, he was exhausted after cleaning his place up, etc. but I will talk about what we did do, and how it felt--even tho we did not do as much as I'd hoped.
R had bought me lingerie. Beautiful, sexy lingerie. He watched me try it all on for him--everything fit and everything looked great. The Chinese satin corset, in particular, sent him over the top.
"Come here and suck my cock. Get on your knees" he said, leaning back on the low-slung platform bed.
I obeyed, licking and sucking his cock, tasting the pre-cum, and making him moan as a licked his balls and took them into my mouth. As he fucked my face, he leaned over and swatted my ass with his hand and the riding crop--the pain made me feel so excited.
"Stop," he finally said, "I don't want to come."
He reached into the drawer and pull out some big ass nipple clamps--harp clamps, he said--and attached them to my nipples. Gee, they hurt, but he distracted me from the pain by taking the trapped nipples in his mouth and running his teeth over them; that balanced out the pain. A few seconds later, I was moaning...there is no doubt that pain and pleasure mingle in my brain in a way I would never have anticipated.
He bent me over and spanked me a bit more, put his fingers inside me and fingered me roughly--if you read this blog, you should not be surprised that made me go nuts.
"My pussy, mine," he said.
"Yes, yours," I replied, not letting myself say the words in my head: I want to belong to you, I want you to own me. --I just can't let myself say that outloud, not yet, just like I can't imagine calling him Sir or Master--maybe one day, or maybe not--I am loving giving this man power over me, but I am not completely comfortable with how good that feels--and I don't really understand WHY this is working out so well--and yet, am loving that it is.

(Of course, I am still waiting to be restrained, tied to the door, gagged, blindfolded, and whipped.Also waiting to be cuffed to the bed, held down, spread-eagled, with Z about to do anything he wises (and with safe words and some rocks to throw as a stop signal). I want those experiences to change me, to mark me, and to give me a chance to feel some powerful new things that will help me discover new edges in myself.)

Z, rising

Saw Z tonight, While I have been talking with some very interesting Doms, I think he's the one right now. He's so sweet, which may sound funny about a man who enjoys tying me up and spanking me, but he is. And he has this talent for using his hands in ways that make me shiver.
Some moments:
Z and I are on the couch, kissing. Under my white shirt, I am wearing a purple fishnet long sleeved top, and a sheer navy bra, plus jeans, sheer navy panties, heels. My big breasts look round under the clingy fishnet, wrapped like a present. R peels the shirt off and eyeballs my breasts. He attacks them, reaching his hands under the shirt to pinch and squeeze my nipples. He takes my breasts in his mouth and suckles them, making the nipples grow long and hard. I pull away, whip off the bra, and show him what the fishnet looks like over my breasts. It looks hot.
My nipples poke through like gumdrops, pink and erect.
He pulls me toward him and begins to hit me, slapping my cunt. The way he does it feels so good.
"Turn around and let me see your ass, " he orders.
I turn around and bend over the coach. He pulls my jeans down and looks at the sheet panties, then starts to spank me. Left, right, left, right--it hurts, but I bite my hand and say nothing.
I hope he will hit me harder.
Z tells me to take my jeans off and pulls me toward him.
He puts his fingers into my wet cunt, hot and juicy after all our foreplay, and shoves his hand inside me.
He's pushing hard against me. It feels so good, I don't want him to stop. I lean over the coach and moan. I know he can feel how hard my pussy is grabbing his hand. I come hard, his hand inside me and bow my head.
"Thank you."
After such pleasure I want to please him. We go in the bedroom and I give him a massage.
First the feet, then the hands, the legs, the back, the arms, the stomach and back. Finally, the backside.
This of course leads to touching his cock. In my hand, it stiffens and grows, becoming thick and hard.
"May I?"
I take off all my clothes and bend over him, taking his cock in my hand and rubbing my fingers up and down the shaft as I lick and tongue his balls. He moans.
I take his cock into my mouth, holding my fingers down against the bottom of the shaft as I take all of him into my wet and hungry mouth.
I suck and lick; he feels so responsive I know my pussy is getting wet again from the pleasure of sucking him.
Z moves against me and goes deep into the back of my throat. I gag a little but then relax, and have him inside my mouth.
"Come up and fuck me, " he says, so I move onto him, my legs straddling him so I half squat on the bed, his cock inside me, my head thrown back.
I've never used this position, tho I saw it in a porno film once, and it feels great--it fits our bodies together well.
Z reaches up and grabs both my breasts. He pulls and squeezes on the nipples, and just as he knew I would, my pussy clamps down tight around his cock.
"You are so wet," he says, and then he is moaning, coming and coming, and I am moaning because I come too, pushed over the edge by the intensity of his orgasm (and loving it).
We smile at one another, a little surprised, I think, that we have managed vaginal sex so successfully (he takes medication that causes some problems), but glowing with how good it was.

Tomorrow night I am going to go to his place and stay over for the first time.
All the paddles and floggers are there, the riding crop, the spreader bar, the rope, the butt plug, the nipple clamps, the clothes pins, the two-pronged dildo, the glass dildo and many of the vibrators.
So are the hooks where he can tie and restrain me, tie me up or down and do as he pleases.
So is my black leather collar with the big iron rings, and the leash he has never used but which he bought for me.
I have no idea what we will do tomorrow, but I am looking forward to it already.
I am spending the night.
There will be lots of time do whatever he likes.
Time to show how my pussy and ass, my breasts, mouth, hands and feet all belong to him, to be under his control and used for his pleasure.
Youhave no idea how much I am looking forward to this--and how long I have waited for it.

DOM=dominant

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Life with my hand

Since this blog is about my sexual life, I am going to write about masturbation. After all, I have had lots of practice in the past few weeks. On this trip I am on right now, it's me and my hand, no electrical devices.
So--
I masturbate 2X a day usually, at night before I go to sleep, and in the am when I get up.
Technique:

• Touch my clit, wet saliva, rubbing, two fingers inside myself, pinching nipples and pulling them.

Fantasies:

• Sucking R's cock, sucking X-husband's cock, sucking cocks of various men I have met or imagined
• Servicing two men who have me suck one's cock as the other fucks my ass--and who then come in my face
• Being with C, the Dom I met who didn't call--and being in display and used under his direction (he's good for some hot fantasies).
• Touching a woman under a man's direction
• Being beaten while tied up, and then sucking a cock and being fucked

4 months ago I was of a more vanilla persuasion, dreaming of men I met on Craig's List coming over for hot sex

8 months ago I was still more vanilla, dreaming of someone kissing my neck and putting his fingers inside me

On the road, no sex

Have been on the road for a week, travelling first for work, then for fun.
Unfortunately, I am too shy to find random strangers to have sex with in foreign Asian countries, though the idea is appealing.
So, it's the hand every night, and fantasies about R and about S, the Dom I had a drink with who melted away and never called after teasing me with seductive descriptions of everything he liked to do.
I have almost a week left in my trip, but don't know that there will be adventures of the sexual nature...

How to tell sub from vanilla

Curious Pussy: "I have this theory (have I told you this already?) that you can tell a sub from a vanilla by whether she offers you her hand to hold or her wrist to grab. Or he. So when fucking Spanky I would often rest my wrist in his open hand and press ever so slightly."

That other guy

the one I had drinks with?
He's MIA. Zip. Nada.
Have not heard a word for almost 2 weeks.

D/s and Vanilla sex, or J and Z

Giving some thought to having sex with my X--did I mention that--when he came over the other night (turns out he dumped the girlfriend).
I did not tell Z, though I thought about it--mostly because he would have been the best person to share my thoughts with about the experience:
Sleeping with J was nice and he has a nice body, but I did not feel any of the sexual intensity I feel with Z.
I think that is not just because Z and I mix some pain with our pleasure (that would be my pain, in particular) . it's because our developing D/s relationship has a very strong mind/body connection.
In other words, the D/s is an expression of an intensity and a sharing we have with one another, and the great sex and fun is an outgrowth of that.
One of the miracles of my life with the X was how we could have what I thought at the time was great sex even though we were unhappy together--ie we had a mind/body disconnection.
X has a bigger dick, a better body, and I've known him waaaayyy longer, but if I had to choose--without the emotional baggage of the past getting in the way--I would chose Z.

Meeting the pervertables

Via Viviane: "When commonplace items are converted to erotic - particularly BDSM - use they are known as pervertables."
V offers links to a list of sites that could make Home Depot clerks blush or harden, if they only knew.
Mija is hot.

He doesn't know

Z doesn't know what happened tonight.
If I was braver, or further along in being open about an interest in multiple partners, I'd say the following to him:
"I slept with J. It was really nice, but it wasn't as exciting as being with you. On the other hand, he has an amazing cock--and I have known him forever."
I'd also tell Z to make more of an effort with me..
.it bothers me that I may go away and not see Z because he is too busy--and yet he's watching all sorts of TV shows!
Arrghh.

Getting

I just fucked, sucked and toe-sucked the X.
As in soon to be ex-husband.
!!!!!!!!!
He is so vanilla, but he has the biggest most beautiful cock ever--one I didn't appreciate when I had nothing to compare it to.
A cock too big to fit into my mouth completely.
A cock he'd never before used to fuck my face as he pulled my hair (yes, he liked that).
I also asked him to put two fingers inside me up toward my g-spot as he went down on me (I liked that), and I told him if he pulled and squeezed my nipples as his cock was inside me (I was on top), he'd feel my pussy tighten and clamp down on him.
Guess I've gotten over not saying what I wanted during sex.

What I noticed was that while it was super great to be with him, touch him, enjoy him, I found myself having to fantasize a bit to enjoy the sex with him--something that is not true outside of my relationship with him.
I also missed the intoxicating sense of intimacy and edge that D/s makes me feel--while X has a wonderful body, one I have loved for years, and is a super guy, he likes it slow and gentle while I like it fast and rough.
Nevertheless, it was amazing to have him inside me, and if we could do this again, I would be thrilled.

Wanting

Where is the man who can take me in his arms tonight, hold me and kiss me?
The one who cares for me, wants me, is filled with heat and passion?
I've got one guy I'm seeing and while I care for him a good deal, I think about finding someone else
--and don't have a clue how to make that happen.
Especially because of my interest in D/s, I feel very cautious about meeting people...unsure about what to look for and who to trust.
I want to have so much sex it feels like too much and I am so far away from that option...
sigh.

Hot

Pussy Talk has the most erotic post:
"In the taxi, we will make small talk, chatting and laughing and flirting as openly now as we did in secret on the phone all those long months. I will not resist the urge to unbutton the jacket or to cross my legs higher and flaunt that maddening edge of black lace against creamy thigh.

At your office, you’ll take me in your arms and confirm with greedy fingers the requisite nakedness under the suit. You’ll kiss me because I’ve told you how your mouth on mine opens my whole body to you.

Then you’ll bend me over your desk, shove my skirt up to my waist, and make of me what your wife will never be: the wet and filthy woman of your dreams, your mistress, your whore, and your cock-slut.


More here. (shiver)

12 hours, Sex two ways

Last night, we were in bed cuddling, with Z rubbing my nipples and pulling them.
Of course, I got completely aroused after a bit.
And I wanted to .go down on him.
So I did, and he put his hand inside me, very effectively, I'd say, and came in my mouth.
I came as well.

This morning, I started off fondling his nice hard morning erection, taking the tip in my mouth, licking and sucking him, and then switched to rubbing him between my big breasts.
And then, at a certain point, we just had to fuck.
Nothing would do but for him to be inside me.
Fortunately, I was wet and I got on top of him and leaned back and rode the pony.
"You look so beautiful" he said.
I was concentrating on making myself tight, tighter than last time, so I could really feel him come inside me.
Head thrown back, eyes closed, mouth open and moaning a bit.
He reached up, grabbed my sensitive nipples, and pulled and squeezed hard.
That did it--I was as tight as could be and we came together, moaning.
Yumn.

Polyamory

Not that I am there yet, but I hope Viviane put this up in least in part because of me (if she is aware I exist):
'Polyamory is a neologism, signifying having more than one long term intimate, usually but not necessarily sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.
Persons who enter into or consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly. (Wikipedia)"
More links here.

Dominance, the mind set

I've been wondering what motivates a Dom like Z--or K(the new guy) who isn't a sadist, doesn't want to hurt women, but is very much a Dom.
Themes that emerged from listening--and talking--are about sexual and emotional control, the pleasure of controlling a woman and having her submit to you and do what you want, even--or sometimes especially if--it is embarrassing, painful, or pushes her limits in some way.
I asked Z if this was accurate and he said yes.
I then asked him if part of the sexual energy was a means to control a woman and bring her under the Dom's control.
He said yes, absolutely.
(Makes sense)
We then tried to talk about the hard to define edge between this kind of intense emotional/physical play and the deeper meaning that is has--Z and I are equals, but at some point when we begin to touch, things change and we move into these roles--he is the Dominant, I am the Submissive.
He orders and controls, I fulfill and obey.
In my submission is incredible power and amazing sexual thrill.
In his Dominance, the same.
And under it all, a growing shared bond of closeness, caring, lust, passion.
(How could anyone NOT want to experience this?)

In some ways, this D/s relationship is the most incredible thing that has happened to me in many years, and yet, there are moments, as Z said, when I must ask myself if I have gone insane..and then I agree that I have, but in such a good way...

The other Dom..is MIA

So it's Saturday, but the other Dom, the new guy, so to speak, seems to have melted away.
He emailed me after the evening, thanking me, etc.
We then traded some voice mail, but I was insulted that he didn't call till 9:30 PM Friday to make plans for Saturday..and then I couldn't call back till Sat am anyway.
And now it's Saturday and we are clearly not getting together and who knows what to think?
Forgiving side

• Guy's kid needs a graduation dress
• He's shy
• We didn't make a date

Suspicious side

• This is passive aggressive-you talk about making a date, you make a date
• He wants me to call more than once; I won't
• He doesn't want to get together anymore, who knows why.

Anyone of these could be true--or none of them could be.
I thought he was cute, but this behavior gives me pause...

Also, I decided that if he did call me again, I would not go out within unless he gave me more than his first name, email address, and cell phone--a last name, a business card and a home address are more what I have in mind.

So, seeing other people may be a moot point for now.

Z, erect

So Z came over last night. We decided to stay in and relax and skip the movies.
I brought him into my bedroom, removed most of his clothes, got some body lotion, and gave him a most excellent massage: shoulders, arms, legs, feet, hands, back.
He loved it and then he wanted me to scratch his back (guys all like one thing!)
After that, I took him underwear off and gave him a blow job, teasing him with my fingers and tongue.
Every time I go down on him--and this is only time #3 or #4--he feels differently to me.
This time he sprang up hard; he felt great inside my mouth as he began to use my mouth.
I wrapped my big breasts around his cock and he went crazy; his mind was as excited as his body.
I alternated between breasts and mouth till he couldn't wait any longer.
"Come on top of me. Put me inside you," he panted.
I did, but I felt large to myself--and he felt small--but he didn't seem to notice--he was so thrilled to finally be erect inside me (this man has a problem with medication)
I moved, he moaned, and soon he came.
I touched myself to see if he'd really come inside me--and yes, he did.
I was thrilled for him, but unsatisfied.

On the other hand, he'd made me come at least three times the last time we got together, with nothing for himself, so I was happy to let him have the attention.
I'd become completely naked somewhere in the middle of all this and we spent the next 2 hours lying together cuddling and talking. We had a great talk,one that made me feel even closer to him and more intimate than I did before.
I will see him again tomorrow.

Drinks with a Dom

So I am dating R, a wonderful Dom who has some problems that lead to major complications.
So I agreed to meet L tonight, another Dom who sounds very compatible to me.
We had drinks at a localwine bar, out in the garden where we could talk alone.
2 hours of talking, flirting and laughing.
He's been divorced several years, one kid still at home, got into D/s after the divorce.
Very interested in orgasm control, exhibitionism, control, breasts, did I say control?
And what am I into, he wants to know?
Blushing a bit, I describe my interests and a couple fantasies.
It seems to be going really well...I like him.
At the end of the night, we are talking, I am a little drunk, and I want to show my power, so apropose of something, I reach over, put his thumb in my mouth and suck on it, tonguing and biting a bit.
It's intensely erotic, but brief.
We talk out and he takes my hand.
At my car, he leans back, presses me into him, and we begin to kiss.
He is an excellent kisser, with a warm, firm mouth.
Lightly, his hand strokes one of my nipples, tracing it, as he kisses me.
As I respond, he presses me further against him, arching my back.
We stop.
"You're a good kisser," he says.
"You too, "I say.
"Wow, when you put my finger in your mouth back there.."
We agree we want to see one another again, maybe this weekend.
I leave feeling excited, like maybe I've met someone new.

Of course, then I stop and realize..if I date two Doms and don't tell one about the other, will I have two sets of marks?
And how would I explain that?
Uh, oh.

When space arises, something new fills it

After we made love, he said, "You know, you're much more open to all this and turned on than you were a few weeks ago. Your body is much more receptive, and I'm wondering just how far you'll take your taste for pain as part of pleasure. This is a reason to not rush, and to savor every moment, and take it little slow, because you will find a place where you won't want to go any farther."
A good comment, but what it made me think about is how differently I am starting to think about things. Some fantasies I find amazingly erotic that are so new from anything in my past:

• Z's fingers in my mouth, stretched wide, my legs open for him
  
• Being tied up and whipped, then used by Z
• Satisfying a dominant and his slave wife; being the submissive to the slave
• Bringing two men back to my place and having sex with both of them

These fantasies are blazing hot, and while I DO NOT want to act on the last two (for many reasons), they've a departure from my previous "I don't share" brand of internal sex talk, and also from the "I'm not into women" discussion in my head.
All of a sudden, it's dawned on me that being with a couple is different..and it could be really hot.

Truthfully, I find these fantasies a little scary--it's reassuring that I've been with R for six weeks and we haven't done many of the things we've talked about--it reminds me that I have no need to act on any of these fantasies, ever.
Of course, what really scares, though, is that someday I might want to, just like I used to fantasize about getting spanked and having my nipples pulled and now it's part of what R and I do.
That's why this blog..I need a safe place to write about this new erotic journey.

Deep breath...and hello

Hi, there, welcome to my private world.
This is my third or fourth blog, but I've learned from experience, and this one is going to be completely private.
I don't want to slip the URL to a few trusted friends, and then realize I can't write about my growing interest in D/s, spanking, polyamory, shibari, and all sorts of other things that are claiming more and more of my attention.
Call me a reclaimed workaholic who had to go through a traumatic breakup before she stopped escaping her uhappy marriage through work, or a compulsive blogger who's gotten used to writing everything down (and has an exhibitionistic streak--at least on paper)--and both those things would be true.
The main reason, though, that I am starting this blog, my friends, is to have a place to talk freely about all the marvelous things that are claiming my attention and all the new ideas and sensations--and to invite you--if you are interested, to be part of the conversation and yes, the dance.

On fire

He came over tonight after work. We talked, went out to eat, then came back here.
His hand inside me, deep and thrusting, more fingers than before.
His mouth on my breasts, teasing the nipples hard.
"You are so tight, so wet," he says, his hand inside me, and I feel myself clamp down and clutch around him as I moan.
His hand wide inside my mouth as I lick my smell from his flesh.
I lie over his knee and he spanks me, massaging the flesh as it turns pink.
He puts his fingers into my asshole, digging deeper there as well and I moan with delight.
When this man touches me, I am on fire. I want to belong completely to him, to be his in a way that my body already knows is exactly right.

Later, he says "This is not a game, this is something between us that comes out of how we feel."
"I know" I say. "It's playful, but it's not a game."
We never use the L-word, but love is what he touches me with, and love is what I want to give back to him as a gift of my self.

D/s: Questions

24 hours ago, I was spread-eagled, face down on the bed, wrapped in rope and being throughly spanked. I've had a day to think everything that happened over and have some thoughts and questions:

As I get further into this exploration of my sexuality and submission, D/s, what will happen to the more vanilla side of my sex life?
I suspect that I'll begin to crave D/s as an active part of any future relationships--it seems so addictive, compelling, and expressive to me--but is that true/typical?

When J laughs and says "I want to hurt you, but not in that way," he's explaining why he decided not to do a specific thing with me, and hinting at experiences to come.
What makes a Dom want to hurt a sub, assuming he/she is not a sadist per se? Is it the power and control and the posession that inflicting and receiving pain demonstrate?

I LOVE what we are doing, and it bothers me that I can't talk about it with family and friends. Everyone I know would be SHOCKED that I am having such a wonderful time being tied up, spanked, face fucked, used, etc...but by someone with whom I am building such a caring relationship. Discovering how intensely I feel is one of the major revelations of my recent adult life, but it's something I can't talk about--except with J, who is a great listener and has lots of thoughts of his own to share.
How do you handle this part of your life with others? Is it walled off? And if you talk about it, how do you describe it?

A memory from last night:
Me, fishnet bodystocking, heels, clamps, rope, lying on the bed after J used my mouth and I got so excited I almost came. He said "I want you to think about yourself here, naked, clamped, bound with rope. Are you my submissive slut?"
Yes, I said, Yes, and my pussy tingled because what I want the most is for this man to use me and for me to please him.

And just think, 6 weeks ago, I didn't know--and hadn't experienced--any of this.

More about last night

So after we had finished, we lay on the bed and cuddled and talked.He told me about a woman he'd fisted--I guess several--and said he thought I was too small for that. We talked about more rope, being restrained, about tying vibrators into the ropes so I felt it against my clit, or inside me, held down by the rope.

We talked about the big glass dildo and the butt plug I saw that I'm waiting for him to produce sometime.
And the beautiful black latex flogger he brought, which we did not get to.
I learned that I wasn't just imagining that I really like some pain,m actually more than I thought, and feel like I've made a wonderful choice in choosing J and becoming his private, submissive slut.
Of course, this is the only place I know of, more or less, that I can talk about this--my life is VERY vanilla, so I think friends would be horrified and NOT understand how liberating it feels, how much more myself I feel right now, and how exciting it all is.

Who do you share your stories with?

I am a... Submissive Slut

I've been wanting a place to write about my new interest in D/s...and this will be it. Background on me to follow in another post, want to start by writing about last night. Names changed for privacy, of course.

I have been seeing J for a month. We met online, not on a BDSM site. His ad appealed to me cause he said he was a dominant looking for a relationship. While I was not sure I was looking for a LTR, I responded. We turned out to have a lot in common and when we got together, we got on extremely well.
J's thing is he only wants to do D/s with someone he is truly close with..no scenes per se.
My thing is I have no experience but realized that was something I'd been interested in and repressed during a long marriage with a guy who had little interest.
J and I have had sexual encounters during the month, but last night was the first time my submission came into play.
I was wearing a black body stocking, black lace demi bra, lace panties, heels. I removed the bra and pulled the body stocking down so he could bind my breasts with Shibari rope, tease and clamp my nipples, tell me to close my eyes, lay me on the bed and tease my nipples and clit with a riding crop.
Oh, and did I mention the way he kissed and bit my breasts, and sucked my nipples, and pulled and twisted them so they became long and erect? And how good it felt and how I moaned in the back of my throat?
It was all that.
He put his fingers inside me, 2 or 3 would fit, and as he teased my breasts and went for the g-spot from the inside, I came, hard, against his hand, another first.
After that, I sucked his cock and this man knows things...he flipped me upside down over the edge of the bed to suck him, put me between his knees and fucked my face. I put my big breasts around his cock and fucked him with my nipples (or vice versa) and sucked him a little at the same time.
He came deep in my throat and I swallowed, so excited I thought I could come again.
Later, after we'd rested and ate and hung out, I took off everything and he dressed me in a beatiful white, intricately knotted rope, pulled me to the edge of the bed, and described how he could pull the rope to fuck me.
I begged to suck him some more and he let me. And that's when I basically went crazy, really excited.
I don't even remember what we were doing when that second set of orgasms kicked in, but I know it was good, and that my sense I'd be happy as a total slut were true.