Sunday, June 11, 2006

The L word, and not using it

There's passion between myself and D, real passion that means we make love at least once almost every time we see one another, passion that means we can't keep our hands off one another, passion that make him hard and makes me wet and open so easily for him. But I notice that our love-making, close and passionate as it is, rarely includes the L-word,aka the statement "I love you."

I think that is because I like it rough, and the intense sex and tussling we enjoy is more about moans, grunts and dirty talk than romantic declarations.The hard slapping of D's body into mine is so pleasurable, so intense, it makes me want to scream, not talk. What does say I love you to me though is the way we sometimes grip one another and hold hands as we fuck, and the openess of the cries D utters as he comes, and the way my body convulses and comes, again and again, as he touches me. And of course there's the cuddling and the talking after sex, and how we sleep spooned together, shifting in the night but usually touching, and then there's the moment one of us wakes, feels the other's body, and grows greedy and excited all over again.

Louis Begeley, in his book Shipwreck, talks about characters confusing love with the tenderness that is felt after good sex, and I've asked myself if that is what I really feel for D--or for Z--but I don't think tenderness is the only thing that draws myself and D together--or the replacement for love--and yet I think Begeley is right--sexual satisfaction does lead to tenderness and tenderness can lead to--but can also exist independently--of love.

I wish there were more ways the L-word made it into my passionate sex with D--sometimes I tell him I love him as we make love--but the heat of our encounters, the way we are together, and what we say at other times have to be the stand-ins.


serenity said...

oh god the "L " word. it sunk me in my last great relationship. i loved telling him, i couldnt help telling him at specfic times, but he could not, despite the strong feelings i know he had, he couldn't. now i don't know if i will ever be able to say it to anyone else. it's like he passed on a virus. and now i have an FWB who tosses it off so carelessly, and i know he doesn't mean it in any meaningful way so i don't take it seriously at all. grr.
but enough about me. great post. resonates with me, i like that. thank you.

Marvin said...

I never say "I love you" to Ella. She says it all the time.

It's not my style. My actions speak better.

But it is interesting how that tenderness after sex can beg for that word to emerge. And it's in that moment we have to be most honest with ourselves.