Without a Dom--no idea what is next

So I have been seeing D for almost a year. And my relationship with Z went on for a year until he became unavailable, 10 months ago. And now Z is out of my life once more and I have no one with who to do D/s.
And boy, am I confused about what I want.
A new Dom?
No new Dom?
I dunno.
Everytime I make love to myself I think about a master pulling me by a collar, dragging me down, strapping me down on a bed, making me submit as dozens of strange men fuck and lick me with my eyes blindfolded and my head set so I can't see--and then I imagine him making me greet, serve and smile at the strangers he has me service--and then I wonder to what extent this is a great masturbation fantasy--and to what extent is it something I might ever want to do (and would I want a man who waned all this? And how much would I worry about ut?)
I dunno.

The best quote ever

"Don't stick your dick in crazy."
--Mistress Matisse, writing on poly people--but this is true for everyone.

Trading Love for Sex?

Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my dominant lover Z is really about trading love for sex.
I love Z, but I am not in love with him, and I have increasingly come to face the truth--what I most love about Z is our D/s relationship and how much the bird in a gilded cage/caught princess thing turns me on.

On some level, I think Z knows all this and part of his tactic with me is to fuck me into submission, to make me so satiated and enthralled that I'm content to continue the relationship.
In other words, he uses sex--the way he touches me, the way he controlls me, the attention he pays to me--as a way to get--and keep--my love.

But is it a fair exchange? And is it an exchange I want to continue to make?
On Z's side, the tradeoff is to keep his lover sexually and emotionally enthralled so he can have what he wants--a real, submissive girlfriend.
On my side, it feels like I'm agreeing to be the girlfriend--to act that role--because I want the sex.

I enjoy being submissive. I also enjoy having multiple relationships. I don't see how I could have an intense relationship with a dominant who would let me decide who else to be involved with.
So I feel like I want to have a couple of mutually exclusive things--an intense D/s relationship some of the time, and the freedom to see D (and occasionally others) other times. That just feels like something I am NOT going to get.

So which part do I really want the most? A Master who can control me love me dominate me or a boyfriend or two where any D/s is just a little play?

I don't know. That is why it is easier to submit to Z, to fall back into his world, but when I am apart from, in my own life, it just doesn't feel right.

I know I am trading one thing for another, not totally acting from the heart, and that bothers me. And yet...Z is such a wonderful dominant....this is difficult.

One day, sex with two men

8 am: D's house, in bed. We had been sleeping, then, quickly and quietly, D rolls over against me and starts playing with my breasts. I feel his cock growing hard against my legs and I get turned on. His wife is asleep down the hall, so we want to be quiet (we're polite). Soon I am under the covers, sucking D's cock, taking him as far down as I can, then he's on top of me, driving it in, hard and thick. Soon, he flips me over, and I am taking it hard, my ass in the air as he slams his cock into my pussy, a pillow muffling the noise I want to make. When we finish, we come together, and it's good. Wet and good.

11:30 am: Z's house, on the bed. I've come over for some emotional support for something unrelated to sex, love or men and Z strokes my neck, looks into my eyes, and says "I think you need to squirt." How could I disagree? Soon I am naked on the bed and his magic hands are rubbing my clit, gently making their way inside my pussy. He kisses me and his tongue is a poem, his mouth a song we both are making.
No one can touch me like Z, I think, and just give myself over to what he makes me feel--to the feeling of his hand inside me, pushing hard and hard against my g-spot, till I feel like I want to scream, like I could somehow burst, a small explosion roaring inside me as the wetness builds and my pussy gets all wet, sloshy, wide and opening, opening against his hand like the core of a peach, the ripe wetness of the clinging fruit.
And then Z wants to fuck me, too. Just like D he doesn't want to wait any longer. My pussy is so wet, so ready, so ripe there is nothing to do but put it right in, plunge down into that velvet tightness and shove himself between my legs.
I lie back on the bed and Z thrusts inside me, my legs up in the air around his neck and shoulders, his cock another exciting poem.
And then there is the moment we both come,one after the other, a tripwire of passion and lust, and then there are Z's hands, making me come again, so drained I cannot move any longer, so satied I am done.
You are the best lover I have ever had, I tell Z, and I wonder if the fact this is true will make me his forever.

On the way home to the rest of my day, I think about what a slut I am for screwing two men in just a few hours and that thought itself is another gift to myself, a little secret that makes me (totally) smile.

D/s and the Movies

Saw My Fair Lady tonight, and decided Phanton of the Opera isn't the only movie/show whose story had D/s elements I didn't see until I learned a little more about BDSM.
In MYF, Higgins desires to create a perfect object, to mold a woman to meet his requirements, and Eliza complies perfectly, letting the master be her teacher in all things.
Is there a D/s component in other films I missed?
Inquiring minds want to know.

Z, once more

I saw Z last night and for the first time in, oh, 7 months, he dominated me. He didn't feel up to making love, but we kissed and cuddled and touched.
Feeling the man who has given me the most intense sexual and emotional pleasure in my life put his hand around my throat and hold my head as he kissed me was thrilling.
When he unbuttoned my shirt, took a breast out of my bra, and sucked and chewed on the nipple in a way only he does, I wasn't surprised to hear myself moaning in the back of my throat.
"I want you to come back this weekend and suck my cock," he said, and of course, I said yes....enthralled by the idea of being enthralled by Z., again.

A date with the Ex

So you know I was married for a long time, we were completely monogamous the whole time, and then my husband dumped me, right?
And that I meaningfully became a cheerful pervert, aka an ethical slut, and started experimenting after we broke up, yes? And that although I had sex with my ex once--okay, maybe twice--after we parted, he's basically been out of my life.
Well, today I had a date with my ex. It didn't start out as a date--he called and said he was going to be in my area for a street fair, and I happened to be home and said I'd like to go with him. So he picked me up and we spent the afternoon wandering the streets, eating, looking and talking. All that was very nice, very friendly, in truth.
But then, after he took me home and came into the house, there was a definite sexual intensity I felt from him.
He looked at me. "Plum, I have a request. Would you flash me?"
"What!"
"I just want to remember....would you flash your breasts for me?"
I was shocked. I said, "You know, dude, I am definitely interested in sleeping with you, and sex with the ex is not a good idea so I am not going to do that. And I probably shouldn't show you my breasts, but if you get that this is is--what the hell."
So I turned around slightly, took off my black tshirt and my black bra, and faced him naked from the waist up, clothed only in my jeans.
He moved closer, looking intently. Lightly, he touched one breast, tracing the curve very gently.
I tried to read his eyes, imagining what he might be feeling, but had no idea.
He smiled slightly and said, "You always had the greatest breasts. These are the best."
I laughed. "I do have great breasts, thanks."
As I bent to get my clothes, he motioned to his crotch--"You want me to show you...?"
You do that and I will be sucking your cock in an instant, I thought, but I shook my head and said "No, let's not go there."
I put my clothes, then moved closer and hugged him, saying "I've learned it's possible to have close, intimate touch with people you care about without having sex--let's leave it at that."
I think he wanted to kiss me as we walked out to the car, but I didn't give him a chance.
And then, as he left, my heart exploded.
Was this basically a date with my ex? (Sure felt like it.)
Did I want to sleep with him (Yes, absolutely.)
Was I going to let that happen--absolutely not!

I treasure the idea of getting this man in the sack--his body is beautiful and I loved him for so many years. But the emotional fall out I have NO DOUBT I would experience after I slept with him would be almost as painful as getting divorced all over again--and I will go to great, great lengths to protect myself from that kind of pain.

Fuckalicious good

He is naked in bed, and I come in, also undressed.
I know how big and round my breasts look in the dim light, how the swell of my hips from my smaller waist is an enticing curve.
"Would you like me to rub your back?" I say sweetly, knowing he will not refuse.
"Oh, yes," he says, and I take the sweet oil and warm it in my hands before touching his back,
giving him that slow, soothing touch he has taught me to offer, my warm, feeling hands that find and rub out the tight points and the knots.
As I bend and stroke, my breasts fall and flick his back; my thighs cradle against his.
His eyes close tight,his face looks soft, relaxed, as I give him this touch, this pleasure.
My hands move down, over time, from his back to his hips, his hips to his legs, the sweet oil anointed across his thighs, his calves, the soles of his feet, his ankles. His skin is warm, no, hot to the touch, my fingers move lightly, but with strength and depth, as I press carefully into the muscles, smoothing out the knots.
Soon, I turn him over.
I warm my hands and put the sweet oil on my breasts, take more and add it to his hard cock.
His cock against my breasts feels so good, I know I am making him so excited he will not want to wait much longer.
A few seconds later he says "Would you like me to rub your back?"
"Oh yes," I say, turning over, knowing that he will run his careful, strong hands up and down my back, his strokes longer and longer, until his whole body is pressing against mine as his fingers draw up and down my back. I know, in a minute, I will feel his cock getting hard and harder, as he rubs my back, and that the moment will come as he rubs me, that my pussy lips will part and he will come right in, thrusting into me at the end of my massage until it's like he is rubbing from the inside. And I know it will feel so good, I won't want him to stop, and I'll come, hard, over and over, from the way he pushes himself into me, the way he holds and angles my hips, the way I open so wide to him so he comes right into my center.
And that's exactly what happens and exactly what he does, and exactly what I do too, until we are together on the bed, coming hard, one's orgasm setting off the other's, and it is fuckalicious good.

More on sex with other people

Did I mention that D is attached? Has another relationship, one that started way prior to our meeting? Or that he's slept with tons of people (but not since we've been together)?
We were walking and talking yesterday and we started discussing my interest in sleeping with more people.
"It's not that I want another committed relationship," I said. "It's that I'm super-curious. I want to figure out how I can have fall in love right now and not have it be meaningless no strings attached sex--but not have it be a big relationship--I don't have the bandwidth for one of those."
D laughed. "Well, it's something we could do together. I can take you to some play parties, maybe some swinger parties, and you can see what you like and what you might want to do more of."
"Sure," I say, and I like that idea, but I am also thinking "Hmmn, what might I want to explore without D (as opposed to with), and how do I make that happen without screwing this relationship up (literally)?
"You know, when I met you, I was so into you and so into making this work, I couldn't consider sleeping with anyone else except you (and Z, my original partner), but now, after all these months, my curiousity is coming back."
"I'm good with that," D says, "I just don't want you to run off with someone else. I worry you will meet someone you like better."
"You never know," I say, enjoying the moment, but also aware this is a good moment to process carefully.

(Inspired by a comment by Cherrie, the senuous libertine and a woman after my own heart)

Sex with new people and talk and telling truth

D and I were up at 5 am, talking in the dim morning light about sex, love, and fooling around. The theme for the morning was sexuality--After our months together, I'm getting interested in having more sex with new people--I want to experiment-- and I want to make sure our relationship keeps working.
"I've resisted the temptation to have sex with new people and not tell you about it," I say (which is mostly true, but not enough true for me to want him to read this post.) "I want to experiment, to just try different things...but I want to be honest with you as well."
"I took it pretty well about Bear, didn't I?" he says. "I didn't freak out that my girlfriend was sleeping with a younger guy in another city..."
"Yeah, you did great," I say, but what I am thinking is How can I have sex with other people and make that work? Do I have to tell you I want to find a woman to sleep with? That I wish I could go to the women's section of the Leather Fair all by myself?
It's good with D, shatteringly good, but I want to explore--more--and want to start talking with D about making it happen.

On the white sheets: For D

You push me down and kiss my breasts, your tongue flicking, your lips sucking.
We grasp and clutch, on the bed, entwined and kissing.
Two weeks apart, and now we are together.

I am so hungry for you, I lick your skin and suck your cock.
You, so eager for me, your quick hands make me shudder.

What is the best part?
The way you touch me till I moan and squirt?

Or how you plunge into me, deep and hard and deep,
your breath a sigh, screaming as you come,
the two of us so hot together
the white sheets we rest on so wet.

Hood, blindfold, collar, leash, you

“Come here,” you say, and I pull the leash.
I come closer, blind, feel my nipples in your hands, feel your teeth scrape the tender skin, feel your mouth give suck as your fingers crawl inside me, a fierce, loving touch.
My knees are on the bed, my hands twisted in the pillows as you come closer and make me suck.
I open to take you all in, to salve that sweet tip, to swallow and gag and be your slut.
“Very good,” you say, “Very good” and you pull me close, again and again, until the saliva dripping from my mouth leaks down your legs.
And then it’s your cock inside me, hard, as you pull the leash on my neck.
Your hands pushing me down as you drive yourself in and plunge down, again and again.
I see nothing, but I feel it all
My head exploding as I come and come
My passion flowering as your hand rests against my neck.

Comming up on Bear

Haven't seen Bear for several months, though we talk on the phone.
Changing that this week.
Hello, bear.

Passion and D

I've been sleeping with D for more than 7 months, and I can feel how my body is becoming conditioned to his. Last week, when we slept together, we hugged and kissed and then, impatient as always, he climbed on top of me and started rubbing his cock against my soft parts, growing hard as the lips parted. Not long after he was inside me, I got so excited, I squirted all over him, come dripping onto the bed.
He's not the most intense lover I've ever had (and I miss the D/s), but he's a master at fucking, a king of cuddling and someone I treasure sleeping with--we just fit. And I love the excitement my body feels when I'm with him, and the passion we share with one another. "We have a real heart connection," D says, explaining why making love together is so good. I know that's true, but I also know that it's the way he rubs my g-spot with the head of his cock, and the way his body slaps into mine, and the way he thrusts himself into me, with that relentless male energy that feels oohh soo good. And then it's the way we cuddle and talk, hug and share, until passion and greed overcome us once more and we want to make love again.

open to one another this moment and always

D and I were talking in bed a few weeks ago.
"One of the things you told me, that I never forgot, was that I'd never have to ask you for sex; you'd never refuse me," he said. "That meant alot to me, and made me feel really safe with you."
I've thought about that in the past few weeks, how powerful giving myself to him unconditionally has turned out to be, and what a bond that's helped grow between us (and of course, the fact we are both secret wild sluts really helps).
I thought about it again last night when we were in bed, when, after we made love, and I came and came, and then, as I was falling asleep, he couldn't stop touching me.
D ran his hands up my legs, along the curve of my hip, along my breasts, along the muscles of my back and when I woke up he was cuddled against me, touching as I slept.
And then it was later, and he was awakening me again, his touch more urgent across my body as he rolled me over and pushed me back against the pillows, then plunged himself into me, shoving his cock hard into my pussy, and as I woke from sleep, I remembered I'd said he could have me whenever he wanted, and I opened myself to him, embracing that deep touch, curling my arms and legs around his neck as he shoved himself through me and deep into the bed, moving himself to a place we both wanted to be, a place where we could be together whenever we wanted and where we always had the desire to touch and make love.
It was beautiful, sexy, hot, a very good place to be with my lover in the middle of the night, in his room, in the middle of his bed, the skylight glowing deep blue in the 2 am darkness, our touch as silent and secret and velvety as the night, open to one another this moment and always.

Dom and slut

"I'd like to see your cleavage," he says, and draws me to him on the couch.
We kiss, and his hand trails down between my breasts, along the silver chain collaring my nexk, the ends trailing down my chest. Soon, his hand is inside my chemise, fingers delicately flicking the nipple, ever so gently appraising its stiffness, its arousal.
"I want you to take off your clothes," he says,and thenI am naked and he is dressed. I stand before him as he sits on the couch and holds my hands behind my back, pinning them down, then puts his mouth on my full breast, biting the nipple with his teeth till I utter a little scream, then moves his attentions to the other one, stillholding my hands back. It is delicious, so good, so nasty.
He puts his hand between my legs, up into the slit, andI learn back to give him better access. "You are a slut," he says happily, his hand working its way between my legs, deep into the tender places
We go into the bedroom and take off all our clothes, and soon he's eating my pussy, rubbing his fingers against my g-spot till I almost squirt.
I've met this man once before, but now we're intertwined, bodies pressed together, partners in crime, touching and talking and sharing and it is good, it's fun, and I'm wondering how long he will interest me before my attention flags.
What if it turns out he is the one? The new dom?
What if he is the one I seek?
Master.

D is for dominant

I am looking for a new one. Not virtual and not through this blog, so don't bother thanks very much.
It's amazing to me how much I miss having someone to whom I can be submissive.
D can do it a little, but it is just not his true talent--and it is something I miss so much.

So, I'm meeting men.
Two new ones this weekend.
What if one of them worked out?
Mmmnnn.

D, again

"Plum," D says. "I want you to go stand over there and strip for me." He points to the corner of the bedroom."Give me a show."
"Okay.." I tell him, and soon I have some music on and I am taking my clothes off, piece by piece, shaking my ass in his face and staring into his eyes as I coyly seperate my breasts from their coverings.
"Give me a lap dance," he says when I am nude, and I, who have never had a lap dance, try to oblige. I sit on D's lap. facing out, and rub against him, then turn around and grind myself against him, enjoying the heat rising from his skin. His hands close on my breasts, pinching the nipples, and I laugh...Is that allowed?
Soon, I draw him to a standing position and help him take off all his clothes. When he is naked, his thick, stubby cock pointing up at me, I kneel down and take him in my mouth. God, sucking his cock feels so good. And the hand at the back of my head, the one he's learned I like, feels amazing as he shoves himself deeper into my mouth, fucking my throat till I choke and then, still more, past that feeling.
We make love for what feels like hours, until our bodies are slick with sweat and the sheets are wet. We do it doggie style and with me on my back, legs way in the air, and with me on top of him, a cowgirl and her (human) horse. He pounds my pussy with his cock, rubs my g-spot with his fingers, slams himself into me in a way that makes me nuts. I come hard, again and again, marveling once more at how quickly I grow wet and open to him, how totally turned on he makes me, and how much I want to please him.
I also think about how making love with a submissive woman means that some things never change, even if you're not really a dominate, like me, face down in the pillow, declaring between moans, "Do what you want, I'm your slut," and getting all excited when he pins me down hard, knowing that's exactly what I want.

Squirted!

Last night, D stayed over. We'd been talking about something difficult and neither of us felt passionate. But then, as we continued to talk (and share feelings), something shifted. The minute D turned off the light, he was all over me, gathering me up in his arms, kissing me, hugging me, his tongue deliciously pushing into my mouth, against my teeth, with wet, senuous kisses.

I kissed hin back, becoming aroused, and as he kissed me, he positioned himself over my naked body and began to move against me, his full, thick cock pushing against my thighs, growing hard as his tongue explored my mouth and his hands caressed my shoulders. Soon, I could feel myself growing moist, opening as he shoved his cock into me, and then we were fucking, hard,his cock moving in and out of me, slamming against my g-spot, and it felt so good I just couldn't take it and as he leaned down into my body, shoving his cock inside, I threw my head back and shuddered, feeling myself squirting, feeling the wet fluid course out of my pussy, around his cock and right down my legs onto the bed, puddles and puddles of come.

Excited beyond belief, D flipped me over and shoved himself in again as I arched my back against his hips, savoring his balls slapping against my inner thights and his hot cock moving in and out, faster and harder and harder and faster until he shot his come into me, arching his back and leaning in until there was a second where I didn't know where he left off and I began.

"I didn't feel like making love tonight," D said soon after. "I was feeling said."
"Me, too," I said. "--But after we talked, I got over it."

Oh, and did I mention--in case you didn't know--that squirting is one of my very favorite orgasmic things? And that I don't do it all that often--especially with what must have been a fairly limited (but clearly intense) degree of stimulation. Wow!

New experience 2: The nudist colony

So I spent the weekend at a nudist resort (Yes, D went with me).
If I was going to chart my exposure to groups of naked bodies, this might be the apogee of my bell curve--from taking my clothes off in a group to jump in D's hott tub with a group of people, to dancing naked at my new community event, to stripping down in from of dozens of (naked) strangers in a closed setting, I'm certainly moving down the modesty continum--the next step will mostly likely be taking it all off in a more public setting, like a local nude beach.

Of course I enjoyed ogling some of the beautiful bodies, and the endlessly interesting array of cocks, breasts, asses and tattoos, but it was a chaste as could be, at least in public--which meant that I took great pleasure in yowling behind closed doors--specifically, as D and I screwed in our corner room overlooking for swimming pool, I gave myself the pleasure of some heartfelt--and loud--screaming and moaning as D fucked me silly, pounding his cock into my pussy doggy-style, just the way we both like it--deep, rough, and hard.

Nothing like imagining the whole pool area--and the single guys lingering alone below--as my screams floated out over the pool area, letting everyone know someone was getting it, and getting it good.

New experience 1: The sex club and the girl

This past week, I went to a munch and then to a sex club. I dressed carefully, in an outfit that allowed me control over what I kept on/took off--black high heels(a comfortable pair), a low-cut black bra and a black g-string, a sheer, pretty black slip with an embroidered bra top, jeans and a black wrap top.
The dinner was nice: a motley crew of couples (I knew one couple), a lesbian triad, a stunning dominatrix, tall and red-headed, visiting on her honeymoon from out of town with her (gorgeous) submissive husband, a trannie and her boyfriend, and a chubby, super-cute young woman named Vanessa, who sat beside me and spent much of the night talking to us.
After the meal, we tripped off to the (public) sex club and headed down to the dungeon where the dominatrix stripped the clothes off her boy, put him on a horse, snapped down the cuffs, and proceeded to give him the most amazing and controlled flogging, brushing his ball and ass in the most elegant, sexual way, punctating the play with hard little smacks on his ass and pointed, but quiet directions.
A the same time, Marta and Cory, the BSDM couple I know, got busy with a big cross, fastening Marta against the pegs and getting into flogging.
D and Vanessa and I sat on the couch, watching, commenting on the play. Soon Vanessa turned to me: "Would you mind giving me a back rub?"she said.
"Sure, " I answered, and starting giving this adorable 21 year old with long shiny hair and a self-professed preference for women a nice, slow back rub, making sure to put her pressure into my strokes, leaning into her back so she could feel the warm of my breasts behind my hands. She arched her back with pleasure, graceful and cool, as I grinned over her head at D, watching hungrily as I stroked the pretty girl.
"Hey, would you like D to take over for while, or should I just keep going?" I asked in her ear.
"Oh, you should keep going," she answered, and I nodded assent and mouthed at D "She likes girls!"
Did I have fantasies of taking Vanessa home with me and D and doing the nasty with her?
And did I wonder if this sweet--but clearly brave and passionate-young woman was actually a baby dominate? (After all, my fantasy was to kind dominate her.)
Anyway, nothing happened...the sex club was filled with prowling single men, cruising and watching hungrily as other people had their fun, and it creeped me out in a major way. I went off in a corner, in my slip and panties, and instructed D in how to give me a proper flogging--something he persisted in, but didn't do as well as I had hoped.
And the side notes:
--The top, AGI, observing that Vanessa had beautiful eyes, and my retorting "Are you sure it's not just that she's 21?" as the trannie snorted with laughter.
--The lesbian twosome strapping down their third over another horse, and going to work, hard with a set of floggers.
--The couple fucking out in the open on a big red bed as the Japanese tourists and cruisers crowded hungrily around, then splitting after they were done.

Conclusion: Vanessa was hot, the munch was fun, but the sex club is only good for the f0llowing things:
--Dominants with subs they want to humiliate, particuarly with trannies and ugly single male strangers
--Exhibitionists of every single stripe
--Single, horny tourists hoping to get lucky

The slut's credo

Always be ready.
If a man I am with wants sex, always provide it.
Let him know I am always open to him, that I will never turn him away.
I can and will be his anytime.
Let him know all my holes are his...now and for the asking.
Enjoy the privilege of being used.
Enjoy the power of my own sexuality and desire.
Own myself, then give myself to my master.
Be a slut--but never a slave.
Live it. Now--and later.

The Love Doctor is in

D and I are in bed at his house. "Let me message your legs," he says.
"Sure," I say,
He puts the message oil on his hands and greases up my legs.
Soon, he is rubbing the long muscles in my legs with his strong hands,
moving his fingers up my thighs and pressing the knots smooth,
working his hands along my hips, touching the soft flesh of my ass
on his way to my lower back.
As he rubs the muscles, he presses my whole body down into the bed
so I feel his strength on me, the long strokes of his hands holding me
down into the mattress. I feel his cock hanging, hardening between my thighs
as he works his strength along my back, feel the hard stiffening as his hands warm my flesh,
feel him grow erect and I want him inside me.

And then there is the moment I raise my hips ever so slightly as he scours his hands on my
muscles, and there is a push and he is in, inside me, moving hard, his cock beating inside my flesh like another bit of my skin, pounding softly into me, hot and wet, as I feel so liquid with him.

We fuck like two happy animals, softer and gentler than sometimes, but with the greed of two people aroused and attuned to one another's flesh. He pulls me up, hips in the air, and we do it doggie style like we both love and it feels so good as I come and come, and as he shoots himself into me, squirting and squirting like a goddamned gush, an explosion of joy and come.

And then we lie together and rest, hold one another after we clean up the wet. I love the smell of him, love the feel of his heavy arm thrown across my chest, love the way he curls into me as we get ready to go to bed and I just feel so happy, so lucky, so wanted by him and as I fall asleep I think "I want to do this again."

A new Dom

Drinks last night with a potential new man.
A new Dom.
Dinner to follow later this month.
He's older, a scientist, smart, funny and dominant his whole life, tho he didn't know what that means for a while.
After we met, I went home and thought about him, imagining us together, imagining him mastering me, and I got really turned on.

There was a time, I thought I'd never *really* do D/s with anyone but Z...not anymore.

4am, in bed with D

His hands are on my breasts, his mouth is against my neck, and he's spooned into me, cock hard, the front of his body fitted around my back. Is it possible to sigh with pleasure in your sleep?
To awaken thrilled and aroused by a loving touch?
Soon, I can't take it any more and I turn my my back, needing him inside me, needing to feel that hard cock hitting my g-spot from the inside, to feel his skin warming against mine. "Are you going to come again, you slut? Come on my cock?" he says, and I feel my body madly tighten as he speaks, wanting only to feast and please.
"Oh, it feels so good," I whisper as he pounds into me, feeling every last thrust and buckle, every second his hard cock pulls in and out.
We make love for an hour, smothering one another with kisses, slamming our bodies together in flurry of warm love, then curl back together, cuddled, and spend the next 2 hours talking.

And then it's morning, and then, he leaves, and all day I think about about us, awake in the night.

The woman

I met a woman today who totally caught my attention. Starfire is perhaps 40, slim and dark, with spiky hair and white teeth...She's Francois, a designer, once married and now with a female lover...and into BDSM. I found her entrancing...charming...and have been imagining whether there's anywhere this might go--and hope the answer is yes.
I've never slept with a woman, you see, not even in my HS days, when I tried to have sex with a female friend and flipped out over it. Lately, women have become more interesting to me, but I haven't met anyone that struck a chord--not till Starfire.
God, she is fine!
Small round breasts, lean thighs, beautiful, greedy energy--feeling and lovely and bright.
And she's madly in love with a FemDom--but not in a way that stopped her from giving me--and a couple of other folks--some lovely kisses. Lovely warm kisses.
Maybe she will be the one..or not--I hope to get to know her better either way-she could be a wonderful friend.

Horny, and then some

Did I have a chance to mention the endless horniness I have been feeling?

Having sex with D once or twice a week just isn't enough, especially since we typically make love, exhaust ourselves, and then just cuddle and touch the next morning.
But Z is not available, and involving someone else in my life just seems too complicated--I wish there were a friend with benefits nearby, someone I didn't feel obligated to tell D about.
Meanwhile, I think about sex much of the time.
I feel my pussy tingling and ready, but for what?

And of course, that isn't even getting into how much I miss being dominated, or how long it has been since I've had a good spanking. And it's been months since I squirted(and I REALLY, REALLY miss that).

For someone who wanted multiple lovers, my options seem to have dwindled..And yet, unless I end things with Z, I won't have the space for anyone else--not unless anyone has some advice I am not seeing (Note: I have cyber sex so that doesn't help...)

Fantasy

It's the collar around my neck, and the cuffs.
The blindfold and the leash.
You clip me down so I cannot move,
blindfold me so I cannot see,
gag me so I cannot speak.
And then you begin to touch.
Your touch is light against my skin,
caressing my back, my legs, my thighs,
moving in to stroke my mound, the flesh
warming to your touch.
Your fingers spread me open, enter and probe,
rub my clit, stroke and pat and pinch until
I open to you like a tunnel
and your hand is a train you can ride right in.
And then you're touching me, and it's hard,
and I want to scream and moan, but I'm held down
and gagged and then you start to slap me, firmly, hard,
and it's the cyclone, the magic carpet ride, the circus where I
come and come again until I am spent, until you are ready
to use me
for the next thing
you decide you want.

Hot, sexy and (almost) out of control (dancing naked in public)

I'm naked and so is almost everyone else in the dark room.
We're dancing, one by one and in small groups, filled with the spirit of earth water fire air.
The music shifts to "Thank you for letting be myself" and I am shaking it, enjoying the new fluidity in my body, the ease with which I can bend and stretch and move, the vibrant flexibility that lets me shake my ass all the way down to the floor.
For the first time in my life, I am dancing naked--without a stitch on--in front of 30+ other people, in a closed-group network I recently joined, moving quickly across the room, filled with energy. It feels amazing, I feel grounded and center in my body and I feel sexy as hell, aware of all the men--and women--taking looks at me, at the full-bodied woman who can bend to the floor and shake her ass like she must be great in bed, who is smiling with pleasure as she feels the hot summer sweat bead along her back and the dancing edge of her legs.
After the dancing, all these men come to talk to men; men I have met before and men who are new to me--men who have partners and men who do not--men who are broken up about past hurts and as guarded as one can get and men who say they are happy and open and whose calm faces suggest it's true.
It feels so good to get all this attention, this energy, this interest--it makes me feel so hot, so powerful--and I like the interest directed my way...even if I'm not planning to do much with it.

Lover--and Master

If the Collar Fits has a post that speaks to me-in part:"We are still together because everything we have now is always good. In fact, it’s solidly, consistently great. But he can’t give me more. In a lover of mine this would be unforgivable. But he is both lover and Master and to lose one is to lose the other. I stay because I am his. I would give up a ring much more easily than a collar."

With Z not available, our BDSM relationship is so quiet, and yet, I am hanging on, hoping it will come back and change everything in my life.

The L word, and not using it

There's passion between myself and D, real passion that means we make love at least once almost every time we see one another, passion that means we can't keep our hands off one another, passion that make him hard and makes me wet and open so easily for him. But I notice that our love-making, close and passionate as it is, rarely includes the L-word,aka the statement "I love you."

I think that is because I like it rough, and the intense sex and tussling we enjoy is more about moans, grunts and dirty talk than romantic declarations.The hard slapping of D's body into mine is so pleasurable, so intense, it makes me want to scream, not talk. What does say I love you to me though is the way we sometimes grip one another and hold hands as we fuck, and the openess of the cries D utters as he comes, and the way my body convulses and comes, again and again, as he touches me. And of course there's the cuddling and the talking after sex, and how we sleep spooned together, shifting in the night but usually touching, and then there's the moment one of us wakes, feels the other's body, and grows greedy and excited all over again.

Louis Begeley, in his book Shipwreck, talks about characters confusing love with the tenderness that is felt after good sex, and I've asked myself if that is what I really feel for D--or for Z--but I don't think tenderness is the only thing that draws myself and D together--or the replacement for love--and yet I think Begeley is right--sexual satisfaction does lead to tenderness and tenderness can lead to--but can also exist independently--of love.

I wish there were more ways the L-word made it into my passionate sex with D--sometimes I tell him I love him as we make love--but the heat of our encounters, the way we are together, and what we say at other times have to be the stand-ins.

BDSM and lack there of (also a small rant on geeks)

So I am starting to (slowly) realize that alot of geeky, poly, alternative people are also into BDSM. Only it seems like some of them are into it to kinda show off how cool they are, and some of them are into the fun, playful idea of BDSM. As a sub to a Dom who was always very private, cheerful party discussions of flogging always stop me cold--for me, BDSM was playful, but only between two people with a very intense relationship.
Now I am in this weird space where I don't have much BDSM in life, especially the *real* kind, the kind I have with Z which is about control as well as S&M--not only do I really miss it, but because I promised not to do BDSM with others, I have no way to replace it--and no idea when Z will be able to resume these activities. The lack of this connection leaves an ache inside me.
I didn't know I would miss it so much, fantasize about it, crave it...and I do. If Z was out of the picture completely, I realize I would either have to look for another Dom or try to teach D how to be more truly dominant.
Sigh.
This is out of my control because of the promises I have made to Z, which I will continue to keep.

Oh God, I miss

Spanking
Flogging
Squirting
Being choked
Slapped
Dominated

With Z not available, this is a sub with no dom...(tears)

The quickie, or nap with benefits

I pick D up at the airport. His other partner is out of town. All the way home to his place, I have been hoping we will have sex. Sure enough, as soon as we're inside and he's put the luggage away, he says "Hey,I'm tired, do you want to take a nap?"
"Sure,"I say, and I take off everything but my black lace panties, black lace bra and white wife beater (I think they look hot together). D gets into bed without any of his clothes, so I know this is a nap with benefits.
Sure enough."Your ass is so cold, want me to warm it up?"D says. I hope for a spanking, but no, he's humping my leg, rubbing himself against my curves as he fondles my breasts. I put away my spanking wish (that's what Z would do) and give myself to the pleasure of the moment, to being used by this lovely man and making him feel good.
(D once called me his fuck toy ;I think he meant it, and I do aim to please...)
"Wait,"I say, and I bend over and take him in my mouth so he can fuck my face, thrusting and humping just like my mouth's a pussy, an idea that gets me totally turned on, especially as he grabs the back of my head to shove his cock deeper into my throat. We go like this till I am drooling and choking and wet and he is hot as anything and then he flips me over, doggy style, the way we both like it, and thrusts his cock into my pussy.
"You're so wet," he says, though it feels like only seconds have passed. "Do you like that, do you?"
He fucks me hard, his balls slapping against my thighs, his cock hitting my g-spot till it feels so good. All too soon for me, he is coming, shooting hard into me, moaning and gasping and drained.
"Sorry it was so fast," he says, stroking my side."I was really horny....It's been a week."
"Oh, no worries,"I say, smiling and turning over. "It was good."What I don't say, what I am thinking is I love it that you are so hot for me..I relish the idea you can't keep your hands off me...I want your come inside me so I am your slut...Better you screw me than her...But I don't share any of that, I just smile and say,"Mmmnn, think I am ready for that nap," and when D goes downstairs to make phone calls I put my hand between my legs and masturbate like crazy till I come, hard, imagining all the things I wish we'd done and the things I do with Z I will never do with D. And then, I am relaxed and I go to sleep and when I wake up an hour later I feel great and it's still before 11 am.

A talk with D

So I talked to D about how, on one hand, I loved being with him and Z, and how, on the other, I wanted more chances to experiment, new people, adventure. I told him I didn't feel I had the time to have both without getting less from my relationships...and yet, I thought about all the things I have not yet experience and was curious about. There was no resolution, but it felt good to get the words out.

D and I are together, in my bed

He pulls me atop him and I feel his cock, stiffening and hard against my leg as we kiss. His mouth is a journey and I close my eyes, losing myself in the pleasure of his tongue, our lips, as we touch and kiss. His mouth is a poem and I am a poet, abandoning myself to kisses that feel like words, pure pleasure, a pattern language demonstrating what loving passion truly is.

Of course I suck his cock, and of course I ride astride him, but the magic moment is that now-familar one when I feel D's hard cock come into me from behind, his body slamming into me hard, pushing my g-spot, an electric button of orgasmic joy. I moan and sing with pleasure, the orgasm building into a wave that takes us both, noisy and connected, to another special place that feels so, so good.

And afterwards, we lie together, and we cuddle, and we talk. It's late, but I am too energized from sex to want to go to sleep and the slightly spicy smell of his olive skin when I curl into his arm is so delicious, so nice, I just want to curl up and hold him.

Stoned

D and I are in my bed, stoned on the pot we smoked outside. We haven't seen one another all week, and I am so hungry for him, so eager to taste his lips, feel his hands on me, curl my arms around his strong thighs. We hug and we kiss and his mouth is as hungry as mine, reaching inside to tease my tongue.
Soon he is stroking my breasts, and I am curled so he can put his mouth on my pussy as I suck his cock, as he pumps strong and steady into my throat. His tongue and fingers tease my clit, then reach inside to that magic g-spot. I open to one finger and two, and he pumps harder in my throat and I take him down deeper, and his fingers dig into my cunt, hard, more fingers I think, and the stretched-feeling hurts so good, there's such a fine edge.
We fuck and moan and press into one another and he's making me come, over and over...it's so good I want to scream. We make love for what seems like hours, kissing and touching and it's all good.
He flips me over and drives deep into my pussy.I am wet and hot and back up to take him more fully into me, my head slammed down into the pillows as he thrusts, hard, over and over. Soon, he is keening, that high rhythmnic moan that means he is going to come--only this time it goes on forever, so noisy, so raw, it makes me more excited just to listen to him, to feel him shuddering inside me, shaking, after he comes.
(Later, D says that he fisted me, almost, that I was so excited, so open he put five fingers in, the thumb up to the first joint, and I tell his that's amazing, that usually that's far too much for me.)

Polly Peachman: Violence in the Garden

"... But just what a submissive feels, what turns her on, surprises many people. The tediously conventional answer, often said with a snicker in the voice, is “whips and chains,” but for me, the richly idiosyncratic sensations, fantasies, and impressions that excite my erotic imagination and bring my submissiveness to the fore are practically endless in their variety. They include the intoxicating smell of new leather; the sight of someone dressed entirely in black; the thrilling touch of cold steel restraints against my skin; watching a pair of gloves being slowly drawn on; the pungent and humiliating taste of my own juices on a pair of fingers being forced into my mouth; hard, sharp sounds, such as a club coming in contact with a golf ball, which remind me of wood or leather being brought sharply to bear against flesh; the terrifying sensation of blood trickling down the back of my leg; the vision of someone slapping a riding crop rhythmically against his hand; the acidic taste of fear accompanied by a crazy leaping sensation in the stomach; the intent eagle-like expression found in the eyes of certain dominants; a slap on the face; a hand at my throat, gently squeezing, threatening; the sight of a needle as it passes through skin; the unique sensation of lying on the floor with a boot pressing down on my head; an intense, embarrassing, goose-bumpy awareness of one's nakedness in front of a group of fully clothed people; being forced to kneel, crawl, or grovel; being forced to assume the classic slave position of head to the floor, bottom raised to expose the buttocks and genitals for my dominant's amusement; an inability to catch my breath and an aching pain in my mouth that come from giving forced oral pleasure; the sound of my beloved's laughter in response to my screams of agony; the close embrace of a locking steel collar around my neck; the taste of a leather whip that is shoved against my lips to be kissed or licked."

(from Violence in the Garden, a tremendously interesting essay on submission via taken in hand)

It has been so long since we have been together

Z's touch makes me shiver when he slips his hand inside my pants and gently tugs them down. I lean back to give him more access between my thighs, and shiver with excitement as his hand strokes my pussy in ever widening circles, his thumb pushing between the folds, a finger stroking me from the inside.
Soon, I am thrusting against his hand, feeling so good to be touched by him again, and he has turned me over and is spanking my butt, hard, heavy slaps that drive his hand deeper between my legs. It hurts me, he is hurting me , but it feels so good I almost cry. I've waited so long for him to touch me this way, to take control and make me screan and now that it is happening I almost sob with a mix of pleasure and pain.
After a while, Z pushes me down toward his cock and lies back. "Suck me," he commands.
Eagerly, I take him in my mouth, feeling him, long and hard, deep in the back of my throat.
He pushes and thrusts and as I angle to take him in as far as possible, he flips me over and spanks me with one hand, the other probing inside me as I choke and gag.
When I am on top of Z, his hard cock in my wet pussy, he slaps my breasts and holds my throat.
"Ride your Master's cock," he says, and I do, feeling every thrust, every stroke until the moment we both explode, and quiet, then rest.

There is no other feeling like that I have with Z, no one else who touches me in this way.

Slave--Not

So as much as I enjoy my submission to Z, and the aspects of submissive play in my relationship with D, I know I would make a terrible slave. Although I enjoy being dominated, and love the feeling of giving myself over to Z, my submission is really limited to the bedroom and our sexual dynamic. I'm incapable of being a woman whose dream is to perfect her slavery to make her more appealing to a Master--On the contrary, I am so strong-willed I have trouble imagining why I would allow anyone but Z--or someone like him, who earned my trust--the kind of total power over me Z has--and that I love giving.
Before Z became unavailable and our D/s life went on hold, I was looking forward to deepening this part of our bond, but that's pushed off for the moment, leaving me without anyone for whom I could even consider--and then reject--being a slave.

(Of course, I have real fantasies--which I hope to make a reality--of being more submissive to my friend Bear--I love the thought of bending my head to him, letting him dominate me, give over control to that sweet, passionate energy--but besides Z, Bear's the only one I can think of in this way...and he's far off right now.)