From an email to T

I've always prided myself on my ability to act like a lady in public and be a complete slut in private, just as a point of female competency, but my recent interest in D/s has of course enabled me to take that to new heights (or lows).
I now enjoy all the classics such as taking the panties off in the bathroom, wearing the vibrating butt plug, painting my nipples courtesan red beneath my clothes, letting the heels go higher, the skirts shorter, and the blouses more scooped--not to mention the fluids I've licked off hands pushed into my mouth (I think that is so hot!), the legs I've spread beneath the
banquette and table, and the petting I've enjoyed in the back of a (crowded) theatre.
The incongruity of saying to myself "Wow, am I really doing this?" is as stimulating as the look of proud delight on the face of the man I am with as we skirt the complete edge of what's acceptable behavior by two adults with reputations to protect.

Of course, most of my real experience of this is with Z, who knows I am seeing other people, but does not know that I am entertaining thoughts of another Dom, even one far away. It's amazing to me that my interest in this kind of connection, my desire to continue to explore it, has become a driving force in my ideas about post-divorce relationships for myself.

On one hand, I want to have great sex and fuck myself silly (party because this seems to hard to attain!)--On the other hand, I think of the D/s aspect as the bigger prize, shinier and more special, perhaps because it is harder to attain.