Without a Dom--no idea what is next

So I have been seeing D for almost a year. And my relationship with Z went on for a year until he became unavailable, 10 months ago. And now Z is out of my life once more and I have no one with who to do D/s.
And boy, am I confused about what I want.
A new Dom?
No new Dom?
I dunno.
Everytime I make love to myself I think about a master pulling me by a collar, dragging me down, strapping me down on a bed, making me submit as dozens of strange men fuck and lick me with my eyes blindfolded and my head set so I can't see--and then I imagine him making me greet, serve and smile at the strangers he has me service--and then I wonder to what extent this is a great masturbation fantasy--and to what extent is it something I might ever want to do (and would I want a man who waned all this? And how much would I worry about ut?)
I dunno.

The best quote ever

"Don't stick your dick in crazy."
--Mistress Matisse, writing on poly people--but this is true for everyone.

Trading Love for Sex?

Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my dominant lover Z is really about trading love for sex.
I love Z, but I am not in love with him, and I have increasingly come to face the truth--what I most love about Z is our D/s relationship and how much the bird in a gilded cage/caught princess thing turns me on.

On some level, I think Z knows all this and part of his tactic with me is to fuck me into submission, to make me so satiated and enthralled that I'm content to continue the relationship.
In other words, he uses sex--the way he touches me, the way he controlls me, the attention he pays to me--as a way to get--and keep--my love.

But is it a fair exchange? And is it an exchange I want to continue to make?
On Z's side, the tradeoff is to keep his lover sexually and emotionally enthralled so he can have what he wants--a real, submissive girlfriend.
On my side, it feels like I'm agreeing to be the girlfriend--to act that role--because I want the sex.

I enjoy being submissive. I also enjoy having multiple relationships. I don't see how I could have an intense relationship with a dominant who would let me decide who else to be involved with.
So I feel like I want to have a couple of mutually exclusive things--an intense D/s relationship some of the time, and the freedom to see D (and occasionally others) other times. That just feels like something I am NOT going to get.

So which part do I really want the most? A Master who can control me love me dominate me or a boyfriend or two where any D/s is just a little play?

I don't know. That is why it is easier to submit to Z, to fall back into his world, but when I am apart from, in my own life, it just doesn't feel right.

I know I am trading one thing for another, not totally acting from the heart, and that bothers me. And yet...Z is such a wonderful dominant....this is difficult.

One day, sex with two men

8 am: D's house, in bed. We had been sleeping, then, quickly and quietly, D rolls over against me and starts playing with my breasts. I feel his cock growing hard against my legs and I get turned on. His wife is asleep down the hall, so we want to be quiet (we're polite). Soon I am under the covers, sucking D's cock, taking him as far down as I can, then he's on top of me, driving it in, hard and thick. Soon, he flips me over, and I am taking it hard, my ass in the air as he slams his cock into my pussy, a pillow muffling the noise I want to make. When we finish, we come together, and it's good. Wet and good.

11:30 am: Z's house, on the bed. I've come over for some emotional support for something unrelated to sex, love or men and Z strokes my neck, looks into my eyes, and says "I think you need to squirt." How could I disagree? Soon I am naked on the bed and his magic hands are rubbing my clit, gently making their way inside my pussy. He kisses me and his tongue is a poem, his mouth a song we both are making.
No one can touch me like Z, I think, and just give myself over to what he makes me feel--to the feeling of his hand inside me, pushing hard and hard against my g-spot, till I feel like I want to scream, like I could somehow burst, a small explosion roaring inside me as the wetness builds and my pussy gets all wet, sloshy, wide and opening, opening against his hand like the core of a peach, the ripe wetness of the clinging fruit.
And then Z wants to fuck me, too. Just like D he doesn't want to wait any longer. My pussy is so wet, so ready, so ripe there is nothing to do but put it right in, plunge down into that velvet tightness and shove himself between my legs.
I lie back on the bed and Z thrusts inside me, my legs up in the air around his neck and shoulders, his cock another exciting poem.
And then there is the moment we both come,one after the other, a tripwire of passion and lust, and then there are Z's hands, making me come again, so drained I cannot move any longer, so satied I am done.
You are the best lover I have ever had, I tell Z, and I wonder if the fact this is true will make me his forever.

On the way home to the rest of my day, I think about what a slut I am for screwing two men in just a few hours and that thought itself is another gift to myself, a little secret that makes me (totally) smile.