Z and I are in bed, naked.
I'm wearing nipple jewelry that clamps my big nipples in a pretty way, making them plump and swollen and puffy; the clamps are on chains that go up to a metal collar.
This is Z's new gift to me, that I've just put on.
He opens his legs and pushes my head down; I know he wants me to suck him.
I crouch over him, his cock in my mouth, my hands tracing the veins on his balls, my breasts rubbing against his leg as I let him fuck my face. As his cock goes into my mouth, I suck hard on it, trying to take him deeper, to swallow him whole, to make him explode with pleasure. As he wraps his legs around my neck, hooking me close, I moan in pleasure, half-choking as I try to take him deeper into my mouth.
As he pumps harder, I get more excited until soon, we are in a rhythm of his thrusting into my mouth and my taking him deep into the back of my throat, relaxed and wet and hungry.
His hand is on the back of my neck, holding me down. I slam my mouth against his cock, over and over, hard and wet and fast, until there is nothing left but the wet red air I am breathing with him inside me, filling my mouth all the way to the back of my throat.
Somehow, this moment has become very exciting.
Feeling his taste in my mouth, feeling his balls deep in my throat, feeling his penis convulse against my tongue is intoxicating.
I love sucking cock.
And I love Z.

Freya gets me hot

From Freya's House of Dreams: " He tells me to beg, she begins to come, moaning. I keep my tongue gently fluttering over her, seeing how long I can resist his orders. Her hands are in my hair, holding gently. By contrast, the hand at my hip comes down on my ass with a hard smack and my whimper is not one of pain. He gently squeezes my clit between slippery fingers and then stops. I cry out and the entreaties..."
Read it all here...hot.

Weekend with Z, last bits

We think I squirted.
I have impressive bruises on one of my breasts, and a bruise on my butt cheek.
My pussy is a little sort, and the soft flesh around my vagina hurts from the hard spanking.
It was a wonderful weekend and I look forward to doing it all again.

Z, an evolving dynamic

The next day, Z and I make love again and lie around talking in bed.
He's been interested in D/s for about 6 years, but he's only had a few relationships where the dynamic actually played out, and I may be the first one where what we want is so compatible, so mutual.
"I used to be with a woman, and I started to realized I wanted to spank her, to slap her face and pull her hair, and there was no way I could do it that in the relationships I was having," he says. "I started to explore D/s, but I always wanted it to be with someone I loved and cared about, not with a professional, or with a woman with no self-esteem."
"I didn't know what I wanted," I say,"But I thought the power exchange would have an intensity that would be incredibly expressive--I just didn't realize how intense it would be."
"That's why I wanted it to be someone I loved," he says--"Because it's so close and powerful."
We talk more and I share some of what I've been thinking over the past 15 hours..."You know, what's changing for me is that I'm starting to crave you dominating me. I've always felt that I had the upper hand in the relationship in some ways, even as the submissive, because you're the one who's been looking for someone longer--I was married. But now I can see how my feelings might shift and I'd need you, want you to control me...it's a little scary."
Z nods. "Yes, I'm the dominant, I own you, but because of that--you also own me."

We talk more...and he brings up my (growing) interest in pain.
His feeling: he wants to give me what I want, but more force isn't the answer. Instead, he wants to try more severe restraints.
"You're a pale-skinned red head and you can just take so much without being damaged," he says. "I want to try more control, and see if you feel things more intensely."

Lying in bed with Z, in the private world we two create, I'm wondering again at the unlikely match I have made. There is no way I could ever have predicted I truly would enjoy being submissive--to this man or to anyone--and yet Z and I have forged a deep bond, an ever-growing relationship unlike anything I've ever experienced--or imagined. The best part of it all is that it feels so right, and that I feel so good and so open, so excited, at how our dynamic is evolving.

Sex with Z, 2

Later, after we eat, we go back to bed.
This time I take off all my clothes.
Z puts the cuffs on my hand and my ankles and saps
me face down on the bed.
He blindfold my eyes, and snaps on the collar, then adds the leash.
I think he is going to play with my ass, but I have no idea what he really wants to do,
and I have no control.
Unless I need to use my safe word, I will do whatever he asks.
That's the game as we love to play it.

First, Z puts a huge, humming vibrator inside my cunt.
It's thick and noisy, like a drill,
and it presses against my g-spot.
I arch my ass up like a cat, wiggling to the sensation.
He respond by shoving it inside me and giving me some hard slaps.
Wack! Wack! He smacks my ass till it must be bright red, with some faint pink
handprints.
Next he puts his fingers there and I know he is wetting me, using the lube to prepare
me for some toy that will surely follow.
A moment later he's teasing me with one of the butt plugs, maybe the big one with the thick egg
shape, or the medium one shaped like a thickening wand.
It hurts so much as he pushes it in, but though I cry out, I don't tell him to stop--I know I will like how it feels inside me, filling my ass up.

Now that my two holes are filled, Z moves closer. Without actually being able to see him, I know
he is reaching for more toys and as he reaches for my breasts, I brace myself.
Grasping the nipples between his fingers, flattening and squeezing, he rolls the tender flesh, then clamps it tight in a little rubber vise, then does the same to the other nipple.
The pain is amazing, but so localized, I tell myself I can endure it, tell myself he will do something else that will balance this new pain away.
He yanks the chain between my breast and grabs my collar, pulling me up against him.
"I own your pussy," he growls. "And your ass, and your breasts."
I nod.
"Yes, you own me, " I answer.
He pushes me down and take the vibrator out of my cunt.
He slips a vibrating egg inside, and then another, and then something else, something big and hard and hurting and...I cry out, and then I tell him to stop, whatever it is, it's too big, it's too much.
Even without my safeword, he listens and he takes the thing out, and we go on.
Soon, I am on top of him, and he is inside me, and it is as good as it always is,
so wild and exciting,and the orgasm just rips out of me, explodes, and I scream and feel him come.

Sex with Z, 1

Z and I are at his place; I'm just back from a trip. We're all over each other, kissing and touching and holding and panting..it's been too long. I barely get into the living room before Z takes off my shirt and takes his breasts in my hands, then in his mouth. It feels so good when he bits and licks my nipples, encircles my breasts with his hands, tugs at the sensitive tips, practically swallows them in his excitment.
We go into the bedroom. Clean sheets. Bag of toys. Restraints on the bed.
I take off my jeans and socks.
"Bend over," says Z.
I do, and he pushes my lace panties aside and puts his hand inside me. Those fingers drive me mad, teasing and stroking as we kiss.
"You're so wet," he says, and soon he has four fingers inside me, almost a whole hand.
It hurts, but it feels so good.
Wham! With his other hand, Z smacks my ass.
Again and again, the blows rain down, and I blush to admit how much I like the pain.
I come and come again, and soon I am at the edge of the bed, his cock in my mouth,
feeling him thrust, feeling his hand on my throat, strong and chocking for an instant.
For two hours, we make love.
I'm amazingly excited, hungry, wet.
Z is the conducter, playing my body like his instrument, driving me to an edge
that's sharp and intense--and where he is with me, as close as possible, watching closely to offer maximum pleasure from carefully meted out pain.

I learn that I like being beaten,
I like it when Z slaps me in the face.
I like wearing my collar and being pulled and told to behave.
I like feeling my ass being spanked, and the blows Z inflicts on my breasts
and neck, and even the swats on my pussy.
I discover I like the pain, like taking in when it is given by Z
who would never hurt me, never inflict
damage of any sort.

I come and come, feeling everything intensely, until I am as flat and smoothed out as a bedsheet, until my pussy aches and I can't come any more, want nothing but to curl up with Z and cuddle and talk.

Sigh. It is so good to be back.

I need men

I haven't had sex for at least two weeks.
This is a total waste!
When there was some regular sex going on between me and Z, with those occasional trysts with
G, I felt like I was achieving a nice balance.
Now, I feel one (local) guy short.
No sex is not enough sex.
I have to round out my portfolio of men here---this is just not right.

What I miss--and what is between us

The past two weeks have been way too busy and that has meant (almost) no sex.
Interestingly enough, what I think about is Z's hand on my throat.
For all the exciting things we do together, the feeling of his strong hand on my neck is what I imagine.

I also think about the part of our relationship others see--and what they don't know.
Last night, we were with some of his family, having a lovely time--
But I knew no one there had an inkling that part of what draws Z and I together was a bond we only display in private: a dominant and his willing submissive.

On being dominant

"Nothing beats the feel of a warm neck nestled in the firm grip of my hand; and this hold, this place where my hand rests like a living collar so close to the skin I can feel the beating of her heart and each drawn breath like life itself - in this place exists everything I need know about who I am. "
--D'jaevle, Blood, Sex, Crimson

Me and G

It's been two weeks since I saw G and we had our rendezvous.
He calls me a lot and sends email, looking forward to the next time we meet.
He knows my other lover is dominant and I am submissive,
but since he's known me for several years (as a friend), this dynamic is something he's trying to figure out.
'So did you two have fun last night?" he asks."I went to the movies" (with his partner).
"Yeah, we went to a film,"I say.
"And then did Z tie you up?" he asks.
I laugh. "You don't want to go there unless you really want me to tell you, right?"I say.
"Yeah, okay, you're right...but I just hope you're having fun."
"Oh, I'm having a wonderful time," I respond, knowing there is no way to explain to him what Z and I do that captures how it feels.
"Just so you don't get hurt..."he begins, and I laugh and cut him off.
"--You mean in ways that I don't want to be?"
And then I stop, because explaining it all to him is just too complicated for a phone call--and it's really none of his business, anyway.

Toys

What Z bought for me:

• A thin black leather collar
• A pyrex glass butt plug
• A blindfold with red fur inside
• Big metal clamps joined together by a long silver chain

What I bought for myself

• G spot vibrator
• Big pyrex dildo
• A blindfold with black fur inside

Saturday night with Z

First we have dinner, then we see a (wonderful) play.
We talk and talk, and then go back to his place.

Soon we are in the bedroom.
"Bend over," Z says, "Let me see your panties."
His hands stroke my cheeks, tug at the cleft, and soon his fingers are moving inside my ass,
as his other hand strokes my clit.

"Turn over," he says."Take your panties off."
His hands fill me, front and back, his fingers driving, making me gasp,
the delicious edge of pleasure and pain.

"Lie back," he says, and his hands and his mouth move against my clit,
against the teased and swollen, reddened, lips, against the flesh he promises to pull apart as his tongue makes me scream.

Z is like a wave breaking over me,
a musician with a keyboard of flesh he is determined to play
a composer who takes me, again and again, to the cliff of an orgasmic edge
before letting me rest, serene.

For a male submissive

I know what it feels like to be tied down
so I imagine you
naked and blindfolded
tied down against the bed

First, there are the cuffs, black and red for your
wrists and ankles,
the o-rings, silver, snapped in place
against the bed's restraints.

There you are, naked and exposed,
your skin dim white in the light,
your cock rose pink as it strains into the air.

Imagine me and how I use you for my pleasure.

Imagine the feel of my tongue on your skin,
the flicker of teeth against the flesh,
the pressure of my taking you whole into my mouth,
you who cannot explode.

Imagine that I tease you to bursting,
tease you to the edge of fireworks and sun
tease you until your cock is so big, so red,
so swollen and tight
I have to ride it
until I come.

Imagine what you will feel
my grip so hard
so soft and wet
you have to beg

When I give you permission
when I say yes
when I come closer and take you
over an edge

your orgasm will erupt and make you shudder
make you shiver with the thrill of release
make you know you belong to me

and that I will drain you
again and again
the pleasure making you scream.

Dominate me

Things that turn me on:

• Z's hands in my mouth, forcing it wide
• His hand on my neck, squeezing ever so slightly as we kiss
• His leg hooking me close as I suck his cock
• His teeth on my nipples, hungry and sucking

"You belong to me," he says. "I own you" and I say yes, and do everything he asks.
"You're my own little slut" he says to me, "My big-titted fuck toy" and I say yes.

I say yes to everything
Yes to saying yes
Yes to Z
Yes to a passion I did not know I had
--for domination and for pain and for this deep, intense trust.

That this all makes me so happy amazes me--
It's completely off the map of my life
And yet I am having the most wonderful time.

Our secret lives

Clayton Holiday, married bisexual blogger: "There is nothing to mark me as bold and daring, except a blog authored with a moniker unrecognizable to the immediate family. My “who gives a fuck” attitude is all show.

What this means is that I have a secret life."

I have a secret life too--or a private life I am sharing in this (secret) blog.
Friends and family know I have a *sex* blog, but have no idea what it is or where.
I've discussed some of this with Jefferson( and hope to talk a lot more) and told him how this blog
is a very real part of myself, and yet also heightened--and perhaps braver-than I am outside of my most private life.

The *secret* nature is freeing...and alluring as well.

Squirting

I want to see if I can learn how to squirt.
I have a new G-spot vibrator, have read up a bit, and plan to practice.

Dominance and control 2

As my own understanding for D/s in my relationship with Z deepens, I understand more about him as a Dominant.
Z's dream is to be in a close, loving relationship with someone who is strong, but sexually submissive, whom he can enjoy using and controlling, but who isn't going to be a doormat or overly dependent on him in the real world.
He doesn't want to have the intense bonds of D/s as a form of play or scene, or as something people do on each other, as opposed to together.

He told me a story today about a woman he met a couple of years ago. She was coming out of a marriage and had decided it was time to explore her fantasies of being submissive, tied up, whipped, hurt, etc.
She met Z online, talked to him on the phone several times, and liked him--but she didn't want a real relationship.
After a while, and some real-life meetings, she convinced Z to come over with the full regalia of clamps, whips, rope and do the deed.
They did, and while it was sexually great, Z did not feel connected to her.
They got together a couple more times, but Z was just not feeling it and by mutual agreement, they broke it off.
I found this story interesting as evidence that Z knows what he wants and has been out looking for it, as opposed to me, who had no idea what I wanted, but then had things suddenly fall into place.

Dominance and control

As my relationship with R deepens, my understanding of how I experience being submissive shifts.
On one level, there's the sexual submissive aspect: acting to please, not saying no (unless there's a strong reason), allowing yourself--participating actively--to be used by your Dom.
On another level, there's the S/M aspect--alot of D/s exists in an area where pleasure and pain mix, or some pain leads to (alot) of pleasure.
But the area where my understanding is deepening is about control.
The thing that is most exciting in my D/s relationship with R is the pleasure he takes in controlling me, and the pleasure I receive in surrendering that control to him.
When we are together in this way, R not only *owns* my body, he is in control of much of what
I feel and experience.
I've not only given myself to him to be used as he see fit, I'm allowing him to guide and shape what I feel.
Letting R dominate and control me in this way isn't only a sexual high, it's an amazingly intense and intimate experience that can be so intense I feel merged with him at times.
That bond then carries over into the rest of our relationship; I trust R in a way I could not trust my ex, thou we were married for 10,000 years.

From A to Z

I am clearly successful at becoming a secret slut: in the space of yesterday I went from Z to A without a qualm (and hope to see the Big Guy) tonight.
I probably had more orgasms (and fun) in the past 36 hours that in the past 6 months...
Mmmm.
More on seeing Z later (hint: it was wonderful, and yes, he dominated me, as always).

For A: One night together, away from everything

You bring strawberries, whipped cream, flowers and a sandwich;

I bring four vibrators, two dildos, one blindfold and two bottles of lube.

In bed together, we are an ocean--

Two mouths kissing, hungry for love,

Two bodies clasping, hungry for touch.

You show me how I can be held through the night,

Soft and spoon-like,

I teach you how to put two fingers inside me and rub.

You ride me, and then I ride you,

I kiss you, you kiss me,

You move inside me and I am caught on your wave,

A flower exploding that blooms for both of us.

I want you to touch me again and again

I want another run at that moment

Those flowers

That mystery pleasure ride we took round and round throughout the night

Before returning to the world we know.